My Interview With Woody

By Harvey Tobkes

Me: How do you rate yourself as a lover?
Woody: I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Me: Any thoughts about life and death?
Woody: It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Me: What’s your comment on the bible quote “The lion and the calf shall lie down together.”
Woody: The calf won’t get much sleep.

Me: What is the most important organ in the human body?
Woody: My brain - it’s my second favorite organ.

Me: What do you think of this restaurant?
Woody: The food in this place is really terrible, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.

Me: How did you do in college?
Woody: I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

Me: Can you tell us anything about your parents and their values?
Woody: My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

Me: Do you consider yourself an intellectual?
Woody: I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Me: What makes you angry?
Woody: Some guy hit my fender, and I told him ‘be fruitful, and multiply.’ But not in those words.

Me: What were your childhood ambitions?
Woody: I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Me: As a child did you have any recurring dreams?
Woody: Yes! In my dream my parents finally realize that I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.