A SINCERE LETTER FROM THE PUZZLED PRESIDENT OF THE — EXTREMELY LOUD DOORBELL COMPANY

———————-loud——————

To Our Loyal Customers:

As the president of the Extremely Loud Doorbell Company, I am frustrated and puzzled by the many charges that have been levelled against us.

Some people blame us for the recent upsurge in cat frightenings. But, as I testified before Congress, cats are frightened by many things, not just doorbells. A person in the household may take up the bagpipes, for instance, or become fascinated by the Old West and call people to dinner with a chuckwagon triangle; or a large, burly man may join a hockey team and play goalie, and then forget his house keys, so that when he comes home he has to go around to the sliding-glass patio door and pound on it with upraised fists, while still wearing his hockey mask, shouting, “Let me in! Let me in!” Any of these things can scare a cat.

Some people even claim that our doorbells can cause nails and screws to come loose. This is absurd. In fact, testing in our laboratories shows that the intense sonic blast emitted by our doorbells actually drives nails and screws in deeper.

Perhaps the strangest charge is that, during wakes, our doorbells can cause the deceased to twitch or jerk. One plaintiff even claimed that a body suddenly opened its eyes!

Sincerely,

Ringo Katz
President


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