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"So, How'd You Break Your Arm?" - Part II

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.

So, how'd you break your arm?"

FIRST DATE WITH JOCELYN - Part II

First Date continued...

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered my concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!

I went around the car to where I saw a sight not to be believed, as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into my eyes, I burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when we finally managed to compose ourselves we realized we were faced with a real problem. We both agreed it would take something hot to free her frozen cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, I quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, I got back in the car, found an empty coffee container, unzipped my pants and added an appropriate amount of hot urine.

Blowtorch

That did the trick! Jocelyn was now a free woman!

This gives a completely new meaning to being "pissed off".

A Whopper of a Fish Tale - Part II

Fish

LORD OF THE RING

Fast-forward more than two years to Jan. 22, 2005. The same three friends, along with Artzt's brother-in-law, Joe Hupp, and friend John Rogers, were fishing in the Miami Beach Rod & Reel Club's Interclub Sailfish Challenge aboard Artzt's boat, Pineapple. It had been a very slow day for the crew -- a few noneligible fish caught -- no sails.

Shortly before lines-out, the crew found itself off Fowey Light with one kite holding three baits -- one of them a goggle-eye on the long bait that Liebeskind had spat on for good luck.

With one minute to go in the tournament, the men saw a sailfish emerge and eat the goggle-eye. Bartos grabbed the rod. They radioed the hookup to tournament official Dan Kipnis and left the other two baits in the water, hoping for a double hook-up. The lines tangled, and the crew thought they had lost the fish. But Bartos kept reeling, and pretty soon, the line came tight again with the fish still on. At least they would not end the tournament fishless.

''We cleared all the rods and sea anchor and began to chase the fish as it started an aerial show off to the south,'' Artzt said. He estimated the battle lasted about 10 minutes.

Wearing gloves, Liebeskind grabbed the leader for the release.

'As I started pulling the fish in, I yelled, `Oh my gosh! It's the ring fish!' '' Liebeskind said.

There was stunned silence for a couple of seconds. Then Artzt yelled for Liebeskind to boat the fish so he could snap some photos. Everyone started asking Bartos whether he wanted his ring back.

''I was in shock,'' Bartos said.

Artzt said the bill had grown around the ring ``a little -- not unlike a ring that fit on your hand some years and many pounds ago.''

Bartos decided to keep the ring as a trophy. He and Liebeskind managed to pull it off. One of Artzt's photos purports to show the indentation of the ring on the bill as they let it go.

The story made the rounds that night at the Rod & Reel Club and the next day online on the Florida Sportsman Forum. Liebeskind stopped to buy lottery tickets his way home to Jupiter from the tournament. Surprisingly, his numbers didn't win.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/sports/10802229.htm

The Corpse That Wasn't there - Part II

I thought about Murray. It was perfect. Much more interior space than any station wagon -- more power, reliability, and durability. A Cadillac...King of the road (in those days). Best of all, it was "ticket-proof." Once he was stopped by the Highway Patrol who clocked him at 90 mph. Murray put on a worried face and said, "Sorry officer, I'm late for a funeral." The officer sympathized, "Go ahead, but take it a little easier or you'll be riding in the back of that thing instead of driving."

Murray loved the hearse. He loved it so much; he stopped driving the station wagon and gave that to my sister Doris.

Ugh Oh!!! Here it comes -- One Sunday morning, Murray went to the supermarket to buy some bread and milk, and as he was driving home, he glanced in the rear-view mirror of his Cadillac hearse, and he did a double take, as he saw what was obviously a funeral procession of cars in back of him with their lights turned on.. just following...the hearse.

As I said, Murray was an enterprising fellow and what he did was to change course and drive to the one and only cemetery in Pittman...checking every 20 seconds to see if the cars were following...he did not want them to get lost, as they probably already got lost once that morning.

Success! He stopped at the gate and explained the situation to the guard who was not the least perplexed. He told Murray that the original hearse was already at the grave site. So Murray drove right through quickly, and kept going until he got home.

The bereaved mourners never knew what a good deed Murray had done that Sunday morning.

Cemetery

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