ROONEYISMS

Rooney

The true source of these quotes has not been verified, but they sound exactly like stuff Andy Rooney would say from his Sunday night pulpit on “60 Minutes.”

Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.


Andy Rooney on Phone-in-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud). “Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in even if you’re not sure about it.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) “I’m not in the mood.”

Andy Rooney on Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi! It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.'” Beep. “Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”


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