1. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

10. Good judgment comes from bad experience … And most of that comes from bad judgment.

11. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

12. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

13. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.

14. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow… In fact, just get lost and leave me the hell alone.

15. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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