• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Wrinkles don’t hurt.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  • Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
  • Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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