The White House Switchboard

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two.

If calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens, press 3.

If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4.

If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce illegal immigration laws, press cinco, por favor.

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6.

If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $9 trillion. please press 7.

If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8.

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press Star 1. Your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.