* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well . Just get up and dance.
* Drive carefully. It’s not only the cars, that can be recalled by their maker.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re driving in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Hey, all you kids out there who are about my age, you listen to me! Here’s the 5 skills you need to be a success in life in our generation:
1. Reading and writing
4. Physical Confidence
5. Musical Intelligence
Ask your parents to check out the link that explains the Why the How these skills are important in helping you become a success in life. Someday, you may want thank me, but by then, I’ll be Blogging with the angels.
By Harvey Tobkes
Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s: Before there were interstates, when everyone drove on the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet……and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
I have fond childhood memories of how much we enjoyed the diversion of those humorous poetic signs while enduring those long highway trips. When we were bored and thinking of a game or diversion, my sister and I sat in the back of the family car and took turns reading the signs aloud. And on every trip, by every family, the kids always asked, “are we there yet, Mommy?” Mommy always answered,”soon honey, soon!”
Probably the most fascinating penis news of the week was the email from producers of HBO’s Game of Thrones, leaked on Reddit. For a pivotal scene in the season finale— Queen Cersei’s naked walk of shame through the streets of King’s Landin—producers needed something very specific from an extra.
As they phrased it ever-so-delicately in the casting call: “We need a Caucasian guy aged 25-50 who is prepared to flash his genitals and shout ‘I’m a Lannister! Suck me off!’”
They also suggested that their ideal candidate would have “no genital abnormalities or piercings” and whose package also came “with pubic hair.” So, sorry Brooklyn hipsters! This clearly wasn’t the acting gig for you!
But that wasn’t the most amazing part of this email. The amazing part was learning what an actor gets paid for wagging his penis on screen for less than a few seconds. And that’s just the first of many cash-for-schlong revelations we had this week.
What follows is a Harper’s Index-style edition of This Week In Penises, with some crazy numbers that may make you think twice about what your penis is worth, as well as a few other ding-dong tidbits we picked up along the way…read below:
Amount paid to actor Munro Graham to fly to Croatia, with less than 24 hours notice, to wiggle his wang on Game of Thrones:. £990.98 ($1558.68 in U.S. dollars)
Amount paid to Puzzlemaster, winner of the 3rd annual “Smallest Penis In Brooklyn” Pageant: $500
Interesting to note…the Brooklyn Pageant stipulated that only men having a penile length of less than 3.61 inches would be allowed to enter their contest.
O.K. That’s the long and short of it!
Source: Men’s Health Magazine
The golden rule says that you should treat others with the same respect you would want to be treated with. Travis Bradberry at The Good Men Project suggests there’s a better approach to take when you want others to like you more:
THE GOLDEN RULE: Treat others as you want to be treated—has a fatal flaw: it assumes that all people want to be treated the same way. It ignores that people are motivated by vastly different things…
THE PLATINUM RULE: Treat others as they want to be treated—corrects that flaw. You’re not pandering to them or sucking up, you’re just doing the extra courtesy of appealing to who they are as an individual. As Bradberry suggests, If someone likes public recognition, give it to them. If they don’t like to be the focus of attention, however, keep them from feeling uncomfortable. You should definitely use the golden rule as a baseline no matter what, but keep the platinum rule in mind for when you get a feel for how someone likes to be treated. They’ll like you a lot more for it.
THE GOLDEN RULE:
Treat others as you want to be treated—has a fatal flaw: it assumes that all people want to be treated the same way. It ignores that people are motivated by vastly different things…
THE PLATINUM RULE:
Treat others as they want to be treated—corrects that flaw. You’re not pandering to them or sucking up, you’re just doing the extra courtesy of appealing to who they are as an individual. As Bradberry suggests, If someone likes public recognition, give it to them. If they don’t like to be the focus of attention, however, keep them from feeling uncomfortable. You should definitely use the golden rule as a baseline no matter what, but keep the platinum rule in mind for when you get a feel for how someone likes to be treated. They’ll like you a lot more for it.
Source: Life Hacker on Yahoo.com
By Harvey Tobkes
Yesterday, Anita & I decided to take a long drive to see a movie recommended by her friend. Anita had her left arm in a sling, owing to minor surgery to remove a cyst from her forefinger, so I was grudgingly allowed to drive her car, a very rare occurrence. I will explain why I say “grudgingly”…
Anita has “passengerphobia,” when anyone else is driving (but her), she reacts with facial expressions and body movements you can’t believe. If the guest driver gets anywhere near the car in front, she doesn’t steer an imaginary wheel, noooo, but does she ever use her body and her feet. She is constantly braking and bracing her body for a crash. To put it conservatively, I was driving the car, but she was driving me nuts. By the time we arrived at our destination, we were both worn out from the stress. On that ride to the movies, Anita gave an Academy Award winning pantomine performance
So what did I do?…That evening, Anita was making dinner, I walked into the kitchen and supervised, “Careful,” I said, CAREFUL! You’re using too much oil and that’s way too much garlic.” “You are overcooking the rice”; then I tasted the soup and said, “needs much more salt.”
Anita stared at me and screamed “What in the hell is wrong with you! “After 55 years of marriage and pleasing your stomach, you think I don’t know how to cook anymore?” I said, “Honey, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Soon after that feeble parody, we sat down to eat. In all the years Anita never cooked a bad meal… but I had no desire for food. I couldn’t help but wonder, was it simply because I had lost my appetite or had Anita gotten the final revenge. When she saw the leftover food on my plate was hardly touched, she shot me me a fore-finger, albeit a bandaged one, which made it look even bigger.
In the end, it all boils down to this… marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
In 1964 Anthony Quinn was nominated for the Academy Award as best actor
for his role as Zorba, but Rex Harrison won as professor Higgins in My Fair Lady.
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. These two women go everywhere together. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? — Curious.
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why? He cheats so much, I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? — Gertie
Dear Gertie: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like — Carol
DEAR Carol: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? — BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your e-mail “forwards” over the past 12 months. I am very grateful as it has kept me busy. Your tips and advice were priceless…and I am happy to report that because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because not only can it remove toilet bowl stains but it may burn out my guts out as well. Yes! your e-mails have changed my life…
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I do not allow servers to put lemon slices in my ice water, because I worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because a needle infected with AIDS could stick me.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends.
I never hit the lottery, but that doesn’t matter, because I am waiting to receive the money that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Once again, I want to thank you again so much for protecting me.
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.
The old guy obeys and says,”99″.
The doctor says, “Great”. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”.
Again, the old guy says, ’99’.”
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.
The old guy begins, “One … Two … Three” ….
OLD” IS WHEN….”An “all-nighter” means not getting up
to go pee-pee.
“OLD” IS WHEN….You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN….”Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
“OLD” IS WHEN…You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor.. instead of by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN… “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN….Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” Is when after a good night’s sleep you awaken in the morning at 7 AM, sharp. You pee like it’s coming from a fire hose and crap like it coming from a horse, and at 8AM…you get out of bed.
Just in front of him the traffic light at the intersection turned yellow. He did the right thing, using caution and bringing his car to a stop just behind the crosswalk line markers; even though he might have beaten the red light if he had accelerated through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration; she missed her chance to get through the intersection because of the goody-goody guy in front of her. She was so mad she dropped her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands on her head. He cuffed her and took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, cussing a blue streak at him and acting like you were drunk or on drugs. Then, I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”
By Harvey Tobkes
What a joke! Neither party has a candidate that is worthy of my vote, and the stumbling Republicans seem to be playing Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey, as they are lining up to back Donald Trump.
Better they should propose one of the escaped convicts or perhaps both, one for president and the other for vice-president. As a loyal Republican, I’ll tell you this…the crafty, cunning convicts would get my vote before I would choose Trump and to go a step further, I would even cross the line and give my vote to…(Heaven forgive me) Hillary.
Trump…I don’t like him or his name…rhymes with chump, hump, dump and clump! Mr. Trump, read my lips…you are FIRED (in capital letters).