2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

It was mealtime during a flight on EL AL. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Mr. Goldberg, seated in front. “What are my choices?,” Goldberg asked.”Yes or no,” she replied .

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?” Cohen replies, “I make a nice living.”

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “schmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and kvetches a long, slow “Oy!” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “Oy Vey!” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”

Just be aware that life is all about solving problems. When you realize that, you won’t feel burdened by adversities because they will come along as surely as the sun rises, but fortunately for us, less frequently.

When you apply this way of thinking, you become the one person in the world that controls your destiny.

Mrs. Murphy said, “Don’t be holdin’ back now, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, “But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.” Mrs. Murphy said, “Begorrah! Isn’t that wonderful! Tell me all about it.”

Mrs. Cohen said, “Well, after lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.” Mrs. Murphy said, “For sure it’s a blessing. I’m so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen.”

Mrs. Cohen said, “And how is it by you, Mrs. Murphy?”

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new Catholic facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, “Good I love that you met someone! So tell me what do you do?”
Mrs. Murphy said, “We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”

Mrs. Cohen said, “Yes? And then…?”

Mrs. Murphy said, “Well, since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we screw.”

When you’re 14, World War I begins and ends when you’re 18 with 22 million war dead.

Soon after a global pandemic, the Spanish Flu, appears, killing 50 million people. And you’re alive and 20 years old.

When you’re 29 you survive the global economic crisis that started with the collapse of the New York Stock Exchange, causing inflation, unemployment, The Great Depression and famine.

When you’re 33 years old the Nazis come to power.

When you’re 39, World War II begins; it ends 6 hears later when you’re 45 years old with 60 million dead. Six million of the dead are Jews, killed by Nazis in the holocaust.

When you’re 50, the Korean War begins; it ends when you are 53.
When you’re 65 the Vietnam War begins; it ends when you’re 75.
_______________________________________________________

A child born in 1985 thinks his grandparents have no idea how difficult life is, but knows from school history classes, they have survived several wars and catastrophes.

Today we have all the comforts in a new world, amid a new pandemic. But we complain because we need to wear masks. We complain because we must stay confined to our homes where we have food, electricity, running water. Nowadays, we even have computers, Wi-Fi, home security, Netflix and all kinds of electronic devices, tools and gadgets which didn’t even exist back in the day. Hell, we even shop from home for all imaginable items including our food and it arrives at our door the next day. The pandemic is taking its toll but humanity is surviving the deaths and havoc and we never lost the joy of living.

I’ve heard all this explained with a vivid analogy: They say if 10 men were all naked in a Turkish Bath, nobody could know who was who, as the main difference in that setting would probably be penis size. However, when they go out to their cars in the parking lot and one guy gets into a Bentley while the others have to settle into a Chevy, Ford, or a Toyota; we get the message.

There was a movie I remember seeing about 15 years ago titled, Hope and Glory, about the bombing and V-2 rocket attacks on London, as seen through the eyes of a young boy named Billy. The “fireworks” provided by the Blitz every night were as exciting to him, as they were terrifying to his parents. The family’s will to survive brought them closer together. The nightly raids did not traumatize those Brit children, as the kids were having the time of their lives playing in the craters. Billy and his friends seem to see the war as a grand diversion, an extension of their child’s world of tin soldiers, and war games.

Thinking back to when I was a little boy, I have fond memories of the once a month boat races we enjoyed so much.

————— ———–

A New York City Dep’t of Sanitation tank trunk would drive along about 10 feet from the curb and eject a powerful spray of water to clean the street. The water would run downhill rapidly to the sewer grate below. My friends and I made boats out of paper, wooden ice cream sticks or anything that floats, and then we ran along side to see whose boat was the first to get to the grate.

There were many other diversions as well, which I am sure you too remember…Johnnie-on-the pony, Ring-a Leevio, Kick-the-can, boys played marbles and girls played Potsy. There was stoop ball, and Place a Penny in the middle and try to hit it with a rubber ball…to name just a few. We made chalk marks on the pavement and used bottle top caps and propelled them to the markers by a trigger-like motion, shooting a forefinger forward from our thumb.

The city parks were a gold-mine for active kids…basketball, ping-pong, slides, teeter-totters, swings, ball fields, parallel bars, wading pools and on and on.

I needed a haircut so badly, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don’t now why I delayed so long.

Today, being a busy Saturday my Italian barber could not give me a same-day appointment, but luckily, I remembered a neighbor recommending a Unisex hair salon in the walkway behind Publix Market, so I decided to check it out. The shop appeared small on the outside but when I walked in I saw they had 20 chairs, all occupied by ladies getting beautiful, and all women operators. I decided I would try pot-luck and go for it. Columbus took a chance, so why not me.

Somehow, I got lucky and the receptionist told me she had an opening in a couple of minutes. Sure enough a few minutes later a very heavy set Russian girl named Sonya introduced herself. I saw a person who was possibly an ex-women’s Olympic Wrestling Team gold medalist, who said in a thick KGB accent, “I ready give you nice haircut now.” We began with some preliminary conversation and she told me she was from Moscow and has been in the United States for 2 years. I told her my grandpa was born in Kiev and came to the United States in 1875. This chit-chat was all prior to her getting to work cutting my hair and then before anything else she started applying lipstick. I jokingly told her she didn’t have to get all dolled up for me; she giggled and said, “I feel naked no lipstick.” I said, it’s O.K. with me if you give me a haircut while you’re naked.

The Russian thought that was so funny, I think she’s still laughing. And as for me…after thinking it over, Sonya probably looked much better dressed, wearing lipstick, than undressed.

Sonya offered me my choice, she asked…what style you want? Look like Putin…very short hair, Stalin…leave a lot of hair, or Nikita Kruschev…no hair and she laughed. I chose to look like George Clooney but that would take a Russian miracle.

She used an electric clippers and in no time she said, “O.K. You finished now.” I looked in the mirror, and I saw…my grandpa.