The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schneider.”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Lessons cost $5 weekly, and after only 3 weeks I was able to play notes that sounded like a cross between a Bronx Cheer and a wet fart, (it was not very melodious, more like malodorous), so I realized I had no talent and was probably tone deaf. I stuck it out, until I learned how to play Amapola, and then found a better use for the $5.

I quit going for trumpet lessons on Saturday afternoons, instead I went to the Paradise Theater located on the Grand Concourse in the Bronx. Yup! Me, and my trumpet resting in its Gladstone case, went to the movies. Of course, my parents, kept thinking I was going for lessons. I discovered I had enough money to have a friend join me to see the movie and afterward we usually had banana splits or Sundaes at Krum’s Ice Cream Parlor, across the street from the theater.

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After they heard my 100th horrendous rendition of Amapola and nothing else but that song, my dear parents probably were thinking of offering me the $5 a week , if I would just give them a little peace and quiet. One day, to relieve my guilty conscience, I confessed my trickery.

They made a little pretense about how I should keep trying but they were smiling at each other, and finally my father said, “It’s O.K. Don’t worry about it and we will make the $5 your weekly allowance.”

At that moment I felt like Harry James.

A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Squirrel who runs up womans’ leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

• The nice men are ugly.
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
• Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes,and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?’

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’ .

The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.

This year they all got together and decided each would contribute equally to buy Anita a super Mother’s Day present and they really went all out and knocked her for a loop.

Today, when she opened the envelope addressed to Our Dearest Mom On Mother’s Day, she did not know whether to laugh or cry or cry and laugh. Let me explain:

True, it is a cemetery plot in Mt. Hebron Acres, section Judah C, grave 8, and best of all, it is right here in sunny Florida. You may be incredulous but you have to admit it was a very unique gift and it required a good imagination and thinking “outside the box.” So… does that call for a “Hurray?” or an “Oy Vey?”

When Anita’s friends called to compare the bounty of mundane gifts they received, Sunday, Mother’s Day, she listened to:

Friend #1…I got a $200 gift certificate to shop at Nieman Marcus
Friend #2…I got season tickets to shows at Broward Convention Center
Friend #3…I got treated to a beauty makeover at the Diplomat Spa & Country Club.

Well, Anita, of course, had the topper, but she was not quite ready to inspect the property and not the least bit inclined to occupy it.

And you don”t have the strength
to stand up and fight.

You want to give up
Life is awful, all right.

Your heart just got broken.
You’re feeling alone,
with more angst and sadness
than you’ve ever known,

A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.

Man plans and God laughs.

Don’t judge a man by the words of his mother, listen to the comments of his neighbors.

A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.

If the Rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.

Although I feel sorry for non-users, I do not feel superior; I just think they are missing out.

Perhaps it’s owing to fear, fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of becoming addicted. I don’t know the answer, but I know that fear can paralyze you physically and mentally. Think of someone who is afraid of heights and would never consider a flight in an airplane.

To illustrate my point, read below an excerpt from the Larry King Showinterview with Roseanne Barr. I have truly admired Larry for his eloquence and knowledge, but….

Frankly, they are so explicit, I find it a little embarrassing. I am thankful I don’t have to explain these things to my children. To be specific, here are some examples that come to mind. Please note the slight concessions of polite words or euphemisms…

Viagra for erectile dysfunction, Ducolax as a stool softener, Monistat for vaginal itch, Tampax that even allows the user to go swimming, K-Y Jelly and K-Y Sensual Spray (use your imagination), Preparation-H for hemorrhoids, Male Enhancer for guys who want to be the Superman of Sex, RectoRex for anal itch, Depends diapers for incontinence front and back, Cruex for crotch itch and a final one that comes to mind is Gas-X for flatulence.

I hate to think what may be in store for us in future ads.

The old guy obeys and says,”99″.

The doctor says, “Great”. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99″.

Again, the old guy says, ’99′.”

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ’99′.

The old guy begins, “One … Two … Three” ….

The dentsits said they chose a crocodile for their logo because the reptile is famous for having a mouth full of teeth.

But Lacoste argued that the dentists’ sign was too similar to their own emblem, a green crocodile that adorns millions of polo shirts around the world.

The court ruled the dentists’ logo includes the words “The Dental Practice” and does not share the Lacoste crocodile’s knobbly back and red tongue..