Who matters, Who never did, Who won’t anymore, and Who always will….

So, don’t worry about people from your past,
there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

Buddha said, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. what we think, we become.”

Well, one day a baby duck came walking up the driveway, probably came from the lake when it got lost from its mama and siblings, and decided to take a stroll. We were delighted with the little guy and decided to call him, (or her) Pee Wee.

My uncle Lou built a Duck house with wire fencing all around so Pee Wee would not wander off, and that little duckling became a family pet with incredible intelligence; believe me, he was smarter than the AFLAC Duck.

Ducks can live up to 12 years, but much before then Pee Wee became unhappy and his personality changed. Even his Quack sounded different. I think that he missed the aquatic life and the company of his fine-feathered friends.

But Pee Wee could have changed the conditions in his life very easily. Simple! All he had to do was to raise his pretty wings, flap them up and down and fly away. But you see, Pee Wee did not know he could fly; he did not have any idea that he had it within himself to find the happiness he sought. And too often, neither do we humans.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A- flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

1. Choose Wisely. A study that followed 20,000 men and women, ages 45 to 79, for 13 years found that poor lifestyle choices can shorten lifespan by as many as 14 years. The researchers found that study subjects with the lowest number of healthy behaviors were four-times more likely to die during the study period, most notably from cardiovascular disease. In fact, participants with the lowest healthy lifestyle scores had the same risk of dying as someone with the highest healthy lifestyle scores who was 14 years older.

2. Why Risk It? Adding support to the above, a study of 23,153 German men and women, ages 35 to 65 years, found that four lifestyle factors slashed the risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and cancer by 80 percent:
1. never smoking,
2. body mass index of 30 or less,
3. exercising 3.5 hours a week
4. eating a healthy diet.

The study authors concluded: “The message is clear. Adhering to 4 simple healthy lifestyle factors can have a strong impact on the prevention of chronic diseases.”