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A SEA STORY

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By Harvey Tobkes

There’s an old pirate sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad, like 5 day-old dead fish, and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman…you change with Jones, Witkowski…you change with Fisheye, and Brown…you change with The Turk.”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someday, someone may come along and promise “Change,” but don’t count on things smelling any better.

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Conversation Posted at 04/11/21 6:29 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke, Politics



I WOULD LIKE TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE GUY THAT WROTE THE ADVICE IN THE IMAGE BELOW:

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JEWISH HUMOR

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Signs Outside a Synagogue:

1. Under same management for over 5779 years.

2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

4 . Committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
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Lines Borrowed from Great Jewish Comedians:

It was mealtime during a flight on EL AL. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Mr. Goldberg, seated in front. “What are my choices?,” Goldberg asked.”Yes or no,” she replied .

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?” Cohen replies, “I make a nice living.”

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “schmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and kvetches a long, slow “Oy!” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “Oy Vey!” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything all right?

Conversation Posted at 04/11/21 4:56 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



WE DON’T KNOW THE LANGUAGE BUT WE KNOW BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WHE WE HEAR IT

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IF THE 50’s WERE YOUR TEENAGE YEARS, YOU REMEMBER…

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>>>CLICK TO OPEN THESE ICONS

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SECRET WEAPON USED BY LEWIS & CLARKE EXPEDITION

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BALLOON SHOW – GERMANY

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GOOFY GIMMICKS

Tombstone in a cemetery

By Harvey Tobkes

In this morning’s tech news, I read that a demented entrepreneur has come up with a solar powered television that can be embedded in tombstones. The 7 inch shatter resistant LCD screen is designed to last 15 years (the departed will be at rest for eternity). It is said to be vandal proof and needs 4 hours of sunlight to be able to play for 90 minutes. The gimmick is…it plays a short action clip (5 to 7 minutes) of the departed, reminiscent of This Is Your Life to stir our memories and our emotions. The Serenity Panel (I swear, that is the name), comes with 2 headphone jacks to listen to the audio; it is said to be able to help families celebrate the life of a lost loved one; there is a one year guarantee.

Shady-head

So, there is your dad at your 5th birthday party holding a martini, while wearing a funny hat and a fake snake around his shoulders. He is blindfolded and trying to pin the tail on the donkey with the rest of the kids. Boy! That was great. What a memory!

No matter how flattering or embarrassing the portrayal of the departed may be, I find this idea tasteless, inappropriate and offensive; it is not surprising to me that none have been sold yet.

However, if the TV were able to play Seinfeld reruns, that would change my whole outlook. Hahaha!

P.S. Don’t call Best Buy…they thought I was a whacko, when I asked if they sold a tombstone embedded T.V.

Conversation Posted at 04/11/21 2:17 | Comments Off on GOOFY GIMMICKS | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: business, Technology



THE DAY HARVEY LOST HIS POWER

miami te amo

By Harvey Tobkes

Two nights ago, I awoke at 3 AM with my teeth chattering because Anita likes the bedroom to be arctic cold and set the thermostat way low. When I tried to adjust the A/C to heat mode…it blew the power in our entire apartment.

It took until the next day for an electrician to arrive; our building handy-man sent us his Cuban cousin an electrician who speaks 3 words of English…”IT GO BOOM?” Fortunately, I am fluent in Spanish, so we got along fine, just like 2 amigos who came to the U.S. on the same raft. It was complicated, but he fixed the wiring problem. We lucked out on that problem!

At the end, he refused to take the bill tactfully offered by Anita. He said in Spanish, “Mi primo me dicho, no aceptar ningun dinero.” I jumped to her rescue and laid the twenty in his hand, and gave him my blessings in Spanish, which worked great on breaking down his prior refusal.

Nevertheless, our electric power is now back, but I can empathize with people with who lost power when tornadoes recently hit in the mid-west and some are still waiting for it to be restored.

But for us, like the old saying goes…all is well that ends well.

Conversation Posted at 04/11/21 1:51 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories



MARK TWAIN ONCE SAID…

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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
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“The difference between stating the almost-right fact and the right fact is no small matter…
‘Tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”

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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

I’s not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

[If you like this posting, please use the “Send this to a friend.” See below.]

Conversation Posted at 04/10/21 7:40 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Great Quotes



WORDS AND THE DIFFERENCE IN THEIR MEANING

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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words – “Complete” and “Finished”. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: “How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.”

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year old Scotch!

Conversation Posted at 04/10/21 6:17 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff



GONE WITH THE WIND ~ GABLE DANCES THE VIRGINIA REEL WITH SCARLETT

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FOR EVERYWOMAN – SEE YOURSELF

red hat

>>>CLICK HERE FOR A SLIDE SHOW
TITLED, “THE BRIGHT RED HAT”

Conversation Posted at 04/10/21 4:38 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



WHAT DID YOU LIKE BEST; THE CLASSICAL MUSIC, THE OCEAN , THE PIANIST?

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RAZZLE DAZZLE TECHNOLOGY ALLOWS VIEWER TO SWITCH FROM WAR TIME WWII IN 1944 to 2014 WITH JUST A TAP OR CLICK

>>>CLICK HERE TO OPEN THE SCENES,THEN SWITCH THE SCENE BY TAPPING ON THE FINGER. SCROLL DOWN TO ADVANCE TO NEXT SLIDE

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HORRIBLE ZOO ACCIDENTS


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MAKE YOUR SCREEN A FISH TANK ~ Note: Best to watch in full screen. I promise you won’t get wet.

GKT comment: I used to have this as my screen saver but found I got nothing done, I guess I was too mesmerized by the beauty of the visuals, plus I was having too much fish for supper.

Conversation Posted at 04/09/21 4:49 | View/add comments (3) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Fun Time, Video YouTube



SIMILARITIES, BUT WORSE THAN PANDEMIC. THE WORLD SURVIVED BOTH

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At its worse, the Spanish flu infected 500 million people worldwide, which at the time was about a third of the Earth’s population. More than 50 million people died of the disease, with 675,000 in the U.S.

Conversation Posted at 04/09/21 3:53 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Health



CLEVER APHORISMS

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Wise old Ben Franklin once said, “The handshake of the host often affects the taste of the roast.”

A balanced diet is a pastrami sandwich in each hand.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three days before you need it.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture…you probably need the trip.

Remember…Once you get over the hill, you’ll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine… Sometimes I even put some in the food.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist go through changes.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me…it’s impossible to live long enough to make them all yourself. I’ve tried!!

Conversation Posted at 04/09/21 3:07 | Comments Off on CLEVER APHORISMS | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff



AGING – ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied being an oldie, and wish you could go back to your youth… think of Algebra, Trigonometry, homework…then think again.

And if some swaggering youngster who thinks youth lasts forever throws you a question like…”Hey, who the hell wants to live to be 90?” Just inform him…’A guy that’s 89.’

As you get older you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down. The first things that go are the knees…first your right knee then your left knee the your weenie.

Never go to a school reunion because the realization of old age hits you between the eyes when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

Some people try to turn back their odometers by having plastic surgery. My advice, don’t try it.

The day will come when everything either dries up or leaks.
But in spite of all that — there’s one thing you should tell yourself…It’s good to be above ground!

Conversation Posted at 04/09/21 1:56 | Comments Off on AGING – ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Aging



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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