By Harvey Tobkes
I wanted to look well groomed for my upcoming visit to my son in Cape Canaveral, so I called Guido’s Hair Styling Salon, located across from the Diplomat Mall and luckily the receptionist had an open appointment.
I gave Guido the standard greeting in Italian, “Como sta?” I sat down in his chair and I told him in plain English… after he finished his expert shearing, I wanted to look 10 years younger. He gave me his standard answer in broken English, “You a better go in da back, we gotta new plastic surgery department there; or you can lie aboud it, whichever makes you happy.”
Then we started to talk about things most men talk about… sex, what else? Guido told me he was having some erectile dysfunction and Viagra wasn’t helping much. He refers to his male member as “my friend,” and he said in Italian (to keep it confidential), “Il mio amico sta morendo” (my friend is dying). I asked him how he feels about that, and he thought for a couple of seconds and said, “Hey! Better him than me.”
If he’s in a real good mood he will even sing some light opera. Of course, Figaro, from the Barber of Seville is one of his favorites.
Let me tell you that Guido is self-educated, clever, witty, entertaining and a very talented guy. I always enjoy our conversation. He told me all about his birthplace, Torino, where the winter Olympics were held. Then he expounded on Italian history and how Hannibal crossed the Alps in 218 B.C., scaring hell out of the Romans by using elephants, similar to tanks we use in modern warfare.
Most barbers are a little sensitive about receiving specific hair-cutting instructions from a customer, and Franco is no exception, but I wasn’t going to be intimidated as the Romans were, so I told him I want him to do a very light trim. I thought I made it very clear by explaining if somebody were to notice my hair, I would not want them to think I got a haircut recently. I want them to think it was just naturally neat and well groomed.
So Guido pulled a face and in his best attempt at disguising his rich Italian accent (which I love) he said, “Ey! Tonight when you go home, you gonna tella yo wife how to cooka da pasta? She gonna do what she wants in da kitchen, so you betta keepa quiet and tell her itsa delishes.”
I got the message and after I stopped laughing, I responded trying to imitate a gravelly, Godfather accent, “Ey Franco, you cut too much hair you gonna sleep with the fishes.” He got the message and gave me a perfect cut. I was so pleased; I asked him if he could take a picture to be able to duplicate his fine styling for next time.
He mumbled something in Italian and it wasn’t, “Arrivederci.”
Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing just one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject unable to cover expenses for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
6. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Glibido : All talk and no action.
10. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
It all started with a few loose chickens.
I was a real estate agent and had gone to check out one of our listed properties. It was an egg-laying operation, a commercial facility involving thousands of caged chickens. The warehouse-like building held hundreds and hundreds of small cages, each containing two hens. The cages were so small that the chickens were unable to turn around. In front of the chickens, one conveyor belt brought feed and behind them was another belt that carried their eggs away. While the plant manager was briefing us, I noticed a dozen loose chickens and an employee following them and scattering grain.
“Do you need help catching them?” I asked. “I’m not trying to catch these birds,” he replied. “Oh no, we let these wander around. If the caged ones can’t see a few chickens living a free life, they’ll lose hope and stop laying their eggs. Without these loose chickens, the rest will just give up and die.”
Instantly, it struck me how similar our lifestyle was to these caged birds. How many of us live our lives in cages, looking out and seeing others having the adventures, living their dreams, being free? I realized that there are two kinds of chickens: those who live in cages and those who roam freely.
I wanted to be one of those loose chickens!
Source:CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL
The computer swallowed grandpa.
He pressed ‘control’ ‘alt’ and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.
Yes, honestly its true!
It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
He must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from Goog was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandpa you should see,
Please ‘Copy,”Scan’ and ‘Paste’ him
And send him back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer…….. They are the greatest!!!
Demis Roussos, born June 15, 1946, is a Greek singer and performer who had numerous international hit records as a solo performer in the 1970s. He has sold over 60 million albums worldwide.
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’ He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.
They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so… love the people who treat you right. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a garbage-free day!
In some ways, sharks are “smarter” than people! From a young age, great whites learn to hunt seals by ambushing them from below and then launching into the air. The sharks actually practice this technique. They learn where and when the seals are most vulnerable and become better hunters with experience.
They are actually outsmarting the seals and have a 50% success rate, which is better than lions and many other predators. And if you consider that sharks can also “see” in the dark, detect prey from a mile away with an array of advanced senses, and navigate the globe without getting lost, you can only conclude that the shark is one smart fish!
This evening, Jews worldwide will celebrate their 5,775th year on this earth! Who would have believed this possible? If anyone had told Abraham that his people would be around this long he probably would have been astounded.
Imagine, we did this without beheading anyone on TV, without a single suicide bomber, without kidnapping and murdering school children, without slaughtering Olympic athletes, and without flying airplanes into skyscrapers. We lasted this long despite 400 years as slaves in Egypt, 40 years of wandering in the desert, the mighty Roman army who nailed us to ten thousand crosses; despite the best efforts of fervent Crusaders, the Spanish Inquisition, Hitler’s third Reich, Stalin’s gulags, Arab wars of annihilation and 100 years of hateful terrorism, hundreds of hate-filled UN resolutions.
How did Jews do it? We survived by concentrating our efforts on education, love of family, faith, hard work, helping one another and a passionate dedication to life no matter what evil befell us. We hung in there in hope the rest of the world would one day overcome it’s hatreds, jealousies, violence and join us in a life of cooperation and mutual respect.
We’re not there yet, but we’re still hopeful. And when so many of us enter our places of worship next weekend, this is what we’ll pray for with all the strength in our hearts.
Best wishes for a New Year filled with health, happiness, laughter, success, joy, and kindness and may this coming year bring peace and security to Israel, to the Jewish communities in the Diaspora and to our planet.
_________5775 and still counting______
You guys may be middle aged, but you’re still my children, and even though you think you don’t need my advice, you need it! because who else is going to tell you all this:
Order a salad instead of the fries,
Peeing before a long car trip is always wise,
And call me once in a while, on this point I am ruthless.
Remember to floss, periodontal disease is no laughing matter, and you may wind up toothless,
Wear comfortable shoes; take care of your feet
And wash your hands before you eat.
And you guys may be middle aged but you still should listen to my advice:
Cabbage often causes gas,
When serving drinks outdoors, use plastic not glass,
It never hurts to pay a compliment,
Remembering visiting a sick friend can pay more dividends than you dreamt.
And you guys may be middle aged,
But you’re still my children, AND I’M STILL YOUR FATHER.
From the book, I’m Too Young To Be Seventy, by Judith Viorst, with a little editing and a few changes here and there by Harvey.
Everybody thinks they have forever, that therefore they can wait for joy, they can wait for life. Most people are waiting, not living. They are waiting for some magical day to come where everything is going to be just great.
It’s not going to come. There is no point in waiting. The only thing that comes to people who wait is death. There is nothing wrong with death, but if you haven’t lived, it’s a very sad day.
They spat on Van Gogh’s paintings.
Verdi was rejected by the Milan Conservatory because he had no talent. Schubert was never considered good enough to work for imperial Austrian musical authorities. Mozart had to work twenty hours a day and got tuberculosis, just to make a bare living. Experts agreed Paderewski was not a great pianist. Rembrandt died a bankrupt. Cervantes, quite possibly the greatest genius of them all, died penniless.
Verdi was rejected by the Milan Conservatory because he had no talent.
Schubert was never considered good enough to work for imperial Austrian musical authorities.
Mozart had to work twenty hours a day and got tuberculosis, just to make a bare living.
Experts agreed Paderewski was not a great pianist.
Rembrandt died a bankrupt.
Cervantes, quite possibly the greatest genius of them all, died penniless.
Nicia McNelley is pretty sure this will be her last baby.
Isaiah Lawrence Johnson was born Friday at UF Health Shands Hospital weighing 14 pounds, 7.6 ounces and measuring 22½ inches. He is one of the largest babies ever born at the hospital, staff said.
Isaiah was born by cesarean section at 11:23 a.m. — seven days before his due date. Mother and child were doing well and are expected to be discharged Monday, just in time for Christmas. The baby’s due date was Dec. 27.
“It seems like it took them forever to get him out,” said McNelley, 30, from the labor and delivery unit at Shands on Friday.
This was the third baby for McNelly and Isaiah’s father, Quinta Johnson, who are from Keystone Heights. Isaiah also is the couple’s largest baby, by far.
Source: University Herald
Here is a way to calm your mind when upsetting thoughts invade. This sometimes goes by the fancy name of …stress management.
Simply visit the playhouse section of your brain and envision a scene that is relaxing or peaceful to you.
I live in Florida, so for me, I am at the beach almost every day, but sometimes I mentally visit the beach and you can too. I see the ocean in multi-colors of green and blue. I try to listen for the soft sound of small waves as they break against the shore; I smell the freshness of the air; I see the patterns of the white clouds in a cobalt blue sky.
And then I see and feel the joy of watching two small children chasing a pigeon on the sand.
Of course, they can never catch it, but they delight in watching it trot tanatalizingly just ahead of them; the pigeon seems to be joining in their little game. I am a spectator to their fun that nobody else even notices.
After a minute or two of imaging all that in my mind, I am rejuvenated and all is well with the world.
An officer in Stockholm, Sweden is in danger of getting flushed out of the department after she used the restroom at an Ikea furniture store on her lunch break and accidentally left her gun behind next to the toilet.
Luckily for the red-faced cop, a staffer delivered the weapon to the store’s lost-and-found.
Source: Todd Venezia for Post Wire Services.