Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions : Hungry And Horny .
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson From the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase Cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought –
“Don’t worry about old age–it doesn’t last that long.”
By Harvey Tobkes
People who are Constant Complainers, bug me because they are downers. I don’t know if medical research has come up with a name for these malcontents, but maybe it’s some type of mental disorder on the same level as Obsessive Compulsive Behavior
The people who have the C C personality flaw are completely unaware they are giving offense, and often their gripe or grumble may be hidden in a euphemism. In form, it is a positive followed by a negative; it’s a half-ass compliment. Beware, as these clever complainers think they have disguised the real meaning of what they tell you. If I am not getting through to you let me explain by an example:
I was having my haircut by the famous Guido, who I like very much. We have discussions about many things, history, politics, sports, humor, women, or whatever…long story short, we are on the same page. In conversation, I asked him if has ever heard the beautiful voice of Italian tenor, Claudio Villa. Guido stopped cutting and threw his arms in the air saying, ‘Mamma Mia! he’s my favorite. I love his rendition of ‘Mamma.’ I promised to burn a CD for him with all the best of Claudio Villa.
Guido is the shop owner, and next chair from Guido is Gregorio.. he has rabbit ears, heard our conversation and brazenly asked if I would make a tape for him as he does not have a CD player. I said I would try as I haven’t made a tape in a long time as they are now outdated.
Three day later, I delivered the CD and the tape and they both thanked me. Three weeks later when it was time for my next haircut, I sat down in Guido’s chair and after greeting me, he told me how much he enjoyed the CD music.
Then, Gregorio, with all lack of modesty, came over to me and said, “You know the tape you made me was very good, we listened to all 25 songs the other night and my wife and I loved Claudio Villa. He has a voice that is pure and beautiful. But one of the songs cuts off before the end.” I guess he couldn’t control his urge to air his complaint.
I told myself to be cool, don’t be sensitive, don’t take it personally, but my tongue wanted to speak out as if it had it’s own brain… and it did. I just listened.
My tongue speaking: Hey Gregorio, if you go up to Heaven and 100 angels are playing music on their harps just for you…all the Old Italian favorites you love, but one of the angels is playing a little off-key. Are you going to tell that angel, “Hey you better go downstairs to take some more lessons?”
He got the message, but he was not happy. I was just glad I wasn’t in his chair getting a shave.
By Harvey Tobkes
This story goes back to January 1st, 1954. My sister Doris, asked me to be godfather to her new born first boy, baby Warren, and of course I was delighted.
It is customary to honor family and friends allowing them to participate in holding the baby at various parts of the bris. The highest honor is to be the “Sandak,” who holds the baby during the actual circumcision. I didn’t know much about the event, as I was in my twenties and this was the first time I witnessed a Bris. The time came and the Mohel wet the baby’s lips with wine and said a prayer and then asked who was the (Sandak) godfather? I stepped forward and he picked up my 8-day-old nephew and gently placed the baby, Warren, in my arms. I held him as securely as I knew how, and focused on what the “Snipper” was snipping, and all of a sudden, I imagined and felt it was being done to me. And even more suddenly, I broke out in a cold sweat, and I realized I was going to faint, yet I had presence of mind to shout, “Take the baby!” and I passed the bundled package to somebody. They tell me I hit the floor like a ton of bricks, and when I awoke the first thing I did was grab my crotch. I was relieved to know that everything was intact, but by that time poor little baby Warren had been snipped.
The snipping ceremony was held on the traditional 8th day after birth at the Women’s Hospital in Manhattan, and only a handful of guests were invited to attend. Circumcisions are done by a Mohel (a Jewish ritual circumciser) who performs a little cut on the foreskin of the penis of a male baby who is to enter the Jewish covenant.
It is customary to honor family and friends allowing them to participate in holding the baby at various parts of the bris. The highest honor is to be the “Sandak,” who holds the baby during the actual circumcision.
I didn’t know much about the event, as I was in my twenties and this was the first time I witnessed a Bris.
The time came and the Mohel wet the baby’s lips with wine and said a prayer and then asked who was the (Sandak) godfather? I stepped forward and he picked up my 8-day-old nephew and gently placed the baby, Warren, in my arms.
I held him as securely as I knew how, and focused on what the “Snipper” was snipping, and all of a sudden, I imagined and felt it was being done to me. And even more suddenly, I broke out in a cold sweat, and I realized I was going to faint, yet I had presence of mind to shout, “Take the baby!” and I passed the bundled package to somebody.
They tell me I hit the floor like a ton of bricks, and when I awoke the first thing I did was grab my crotch. I was relieved to know that everything was intact, but by that time poor little baby Warren had been snipped.
No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’. (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose, and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words… ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious. Admit it, you are going to check it out and say, a-e-i-o-u….Right?
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. Some days that’s about what my memory span is.
A snail can sleep for three years…I know some people that could do this too!
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like that!)
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t….and if you are feeling amorous afterwards….then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. And I WILL win!
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…..though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator….. (applies to engineers mainly).
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Nooooo, you don’t look fat in that dress. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2015, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…… Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
1. That’s not right……….Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive……Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP…….Kum Hia
4. Stupid Man…….Dum Fuk
5. Small Horse…….Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach……..Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped the coffee table….Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift…….Chin Tu Fat
9. Its Very dark in here……..Wai So Dim
10 I Thought you were on a diet…Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone……..No Pah King
12. Our meeting is for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. Staying out of sight………Lei Ying Lo
14 He Is cleaning his automobile ……….Wa Shing Ka
15 Your body odor is offensive………Yu Stin Ki Pu
16 Great!………Fa Kin Su Pah
1. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
2. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
3. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
4. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
5. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.
6. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
7. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
8. You never really learn to swear until you
9. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
10. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells… ‘THEIRS’?
“Here’s to Hell!
May my stay there be as much fun as my way there!”
who keep using existing skills and interests. They still use skills, interests and activities but modify them to fit retirement. “I am a continuer. I don’t teach or have a salary, but I still write and speak about things I’ve always been interested in.”
who start entirely new endeavors. They see retirement as an opportunity to make daring changes in their lives. “I’m not talking about becoming mountain climbers, but these are people who start something new. For example, a bank teller might become a docent in a museum. An investigative reporter might become an artist. It is about adventures in new arenas.”
who explore new options through trial and error. This means you look into different activities. You talk to people in the fields you’re interested in. You volunteer for different projects or programs , and if you don’t like one, you try something else. This is much like what happens to many high school and college graduates who don’t know exactly what they want to do when they graduate, so they search and struggle to find their way.
EASY GLIDERS…who enjoy unscheduled time letting each day unfold. “They let the day unfold. Maybe they’ll babysit the grandkids one day. Maybe they’ll go the movies. They may just hang out. They don’t have an agenda, and they are comfortable not having one.”
who care deeply about the world, but engage in less-active ways. This may be an art director who is retired but still goes to art museums, or a politician who is still a news junkie.
who take time out or disengage from life.
There are two kinds of these folks: people who are couch potatoes and people who are taking time out to figure out what to do.
Many combine paths, and over time, one’s path might change,” “The point of looking at paths is to realize the many options for everyone during retirement.”
Based on interviews with more than 150 retirees, Nancy Schlossberg identified the following ways that people approach retirement: From an article by Nanci Hellmich for USA TODAY
“Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery I feel a strong urge to have it tried on him, personally”
~ Abraham Lincoln
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinions, but not to his own facts”
~ Daniel Patrick Moynihan
“As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
“It does me no harm for my neighbor to believe in many gods or no god. It neither robs my pocket nor breaks my leg” ~ Thomas Jefferson
“We have talked long enough about civil rights in this country. It is time now to write the next chapter – and to write it in books of law”
~ Lyndon Johnson
“Those who would give up a little liberty to gain a little security shall soon have neither” ~ Ben Franklin