“HONEY…WHAT’S FOR DINNER?”
By Harvey Tobkes
In my early twenties an ENT specialist told me I had a hearing loss, but it has not been a problem, as over the years I have always worn a hearing aid and was able to get by.
Lately, I noticed Anita wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and I thought she might need a hearing aid too. Not quite sure how to approach her, I called our family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told me there is a simple informal test I could perform to give him a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” he told me, “stand about 30 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, Anita was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I was in the den. I said to myself, I’m about 30 feet away, let’s see what happens. Then in a normal tone I asked her, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Next I moved into the dining room; where I was about 20 feet away from Anita, and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again I got no response.
So, I walked up to the kitchen door, about 6 feet away. – “Honey, what’s
for dinner?”
Still there was no response.
So I walked into the kitchen and standing right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Harv…. for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
Posted at 03/08/14 0:36 | Comments Off | 
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TODAY IT MAY BE A PROBLEM
Tomorrow It Will Be But a Memory!
By Harvey Tobkes
A man’s philosophy and outlook on life, makes evolutionary changes in 5 year cycles. So, in 2019, what is a problem for you now will be forgotten with the past, and new pressures and values will assert themselves. If you doubt this, 2 weeks from today look back on some problems of the moment, and you will note that they have disappeared only to replaced by new ones. Pressures, like career and marriage and children bring a new dimension which pull at you and divert your thinking from intangibles and floating idealism.
Simpler said than done, is to stay in charge, be in control, captain of your own ship of destiny. Also, remember, that happiness is rewarded to those who realize that it’s all about who is the best at solutions and solving problems, because life is never a vacuum where problems cease to exist.
Posted at 03/08/14 0:03 | Comments Off | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Author: Harvey Tobkes, Just My Opinion
NORMAN ROCKWELL’S AMERICA
Norman Rockwell painted Americana and his work is far from classical, but was wildly popular and much loved for showing us a slice of life during the first half of the 20th century. His portraits are simple and touching and we all recognized and connected with his portrayal of people.
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BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI
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Posted at 03/07/14 0:42 | Leave a comment | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, Slide Show
PHOTOS OF A BYGONE ERA
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HERE’S ONE FOR THE AGES
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By Patrick Hurley
It is popular these days to come up with hypothetical questions to escape from the monotony of our own boring existence. This week’s question is a personal doozy:
If you could go back and be any age of your life and remain there until you die, what AGE would you choose and why? The #1 answer is 25-years-old.
This makes perfect sense. You would be in the prime of your life and yet not too stupid like you were when you were eighteen and thought you knew everything. You could still go out and drink and not be wiped out by your hangover. You could toss the football around and be able to walk nimbly to the bathroom the next morning. You could date women of just about any (legal) age and be socially accepted.
Yep, that would be a great age to live the rest of your life on. But, but, but, there are a few drawbacks, and here they are…
First of all, remember you are not going to get any older. This means you will have to work for the rest of your life since you will never reach retirement age. The kind of money I made at 25 was nowhere NEAR the money I made ten years later so that means you are going to live on a limited income forever!
Secondly, you will always look young which is cool to Paris Hilton but not to a banker or a CEO. To them, you will always be immature unless you are rich enough to buy your own country. Otherwise, you will be paying your business dues in perpetuity.
Then, there are your parents!
Your mom is going to constantly wonder why you are not married. Your dad is going to harass you with THE question: “When ya gonna grow up and get a REAL job?” One of the joys of growing older is that you can shut them up over the years. Not at twenty-five, you can’t. Not for the next eighty years. Nope.
Finally, you will never change your life. You will always love the SAME music, the SAME kind of car, the SAME social life, the SAME kinds of movies, the SAME political views and the SAME kinds of relationships. There is no development. No regrets. No life lessons. You are stuck in surrealistic impasse that whirls around you like an unending cesspool of the SAME stuff day after day after day after day.
Tomorrow’s new fantasy is this: If you could pick any Super Power which one would it be?
I will give you two hints concerning my answer…X-ray vision and living next door to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
A man can only dream…
THE MIDDLE EAST??? …IF YOU DON’T GET IT, THIS MAY HELP
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For those of you who do not like Dennis Miller, who is not Jewish, you may want to reconsider your feelings after reading his brilliant comments that follow:
A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don’t get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.’
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country. There’s just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It’s a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like ‘Wiccan,’ ‘Palestinian’ sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was Owned by Egypt , the West Bank was owned by Jordan , and there were no Palestinians.’
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the ‘Palestinians,’ weeping for their deep bond with their lost ‘land’ and ‘nation.’
So for the sake of honesty, let’s not use the word ‘Palestinian’ any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they’re being taped. Instead, let’s call them what they are: ‘Other Arabs Who Can’t Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death.’ I know that’s a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: ‘Adjacent Jew-Haters.’ Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing: No, they don’t. They could’ve had their own country anytime in the last thirty years, especially several years ago at Camp David. But If you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks. And Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living.
That’s no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel . They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course that’s where the real fun is… but mostly they want Israel
Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel – or ‘The Zionist Entity’ as their Textbooks call it — for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab Countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they’re the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God’s Earth, and if you’ve ever been around God’s Earth, you know that’s really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mid-East. Unless I’m missing something, the Arabs haven’t given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five Million Jews.
Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals.
Really? Wow, what neat news.
Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive very Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend, Kevin Rooney, made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
Or marshalling every fibre and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of Innocents? Impossible.
Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there’s always a danger of losing moral weight. We’ve already lost some. After September 11th our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then
the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan.
MOST UNUSUAL PHOTOS
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MAP OF THE UNIVERSE — AWESOME!
Posted at 03/06/14 0:27 | Leave a comment | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Informational, Video YouTube
SCREEN HEROES OF THE PAST
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A DOZEN QUESTIONS
1. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
2. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
3. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
4. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
5. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
6. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
7. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
8. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
9. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
10. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED ‘HEMORRHOIDS’ INSTEAD OF ‘ASSTEROIDS’?
11. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
12. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
CRY ME A RIVER -OR- CRIMEA RIVER?
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Posted at 03/04/14 14:57 | View/add comments (1) | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff
WORDS OF WISDOM
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When we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn’t be of our making, but that would not have occurred without our action.
Some of the worst wrongs, were caused by people who tried to change things.
Source: From the book Shantaram, by Gregory David Roberts, Page 367
THE GASOLINE OF EXERCISE
Motivation is the gasoline of exercise. What motivates people to exercise? What makes and breaks motivation? And most importantly, can you get more?
According to sports psychologists, the three most popular motivations for exercise are:
1. health
2. guilt
3. appearance.But those motivations will get you only so far. It turns out that over the long-term; health, guilt and appearance just don’t take you the distance.
Enjoy Yourself:
Choose an activity you enjoy, says Professor Stuart Biddle, a sports psychologist at Loughbrough University, United Kingdom. If you stop enjoying it, cease, desist, and find something else. According to Biddle, many of us exercise the way we think we should, not the way we would prefer.The best motivations are intrinsic, says Nanette Mutrie, a sports psychologist at Glasgow University in Scotland. That is, their rewards come from within and are often instantaneous. They can be as simple as enjoying what you are doing or realizing a sense of achievement.
To read full article…Beliefnet: Health and Healing
MAFIOSO FUNERAL
Carmine (The Boss) died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Angelina, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Maria and whispered…”Ah well, I feel Carmine would have been well pleased with the way I handled the funeral arrangements.”
Maria, leaned in close and in a low voice said, “You got that right! So, you can tell me Angie…how much did all this really cost?”
“All of it?” said Angelina. “Forty thousand.”
“Aw No. Jeez!!” Maria exclaimed, “I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000???”
Angelina answered, “Yeah, well, the funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”
Maria computed quickly.
“Mama Mia! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”
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THE 20 THINGS THAT KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN SHARKS
CLICK HERE – YOU'LL BE SURPRISED BY ALL THESE KILLERS OF PEOPLE
THINGS THAT COST TOO MUCH
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1. Movie Theater Popcorn
Why on earth would consumers even consider paying a whopping $6 for a single medium-sized bag of popcorn in the movie theater? No one knows exactly why – but for some bizarre reason, movie-goers continue to drain their wallets to crunch on a bag full of those greasy little nuggets during their favorite film.
2. Greeting Cards
Since when does a folded up piece of paper cost $4.99 or more? Since someone slaps a picture on the front of the card that relates to the pathetic written message on the inside of the fold and then stamps the back of it with a Hallmark logo.
3. College Textbooks
As if college kids (and their parents) aren’t financially drained enough, there’s yet another inflated price they face: college textbooks. College students pay an average of $900 a year on textbooks and other supplies. Unfortunately, broke college students are required to purchase these costly books for their classes. Some try to sell their books back to local book store at the end of the semester – for a few measly bucks.
4. Bottled Water
You’ve probably heard that “Evian” is simply “naïve” spelled backwards. OK, so the well-known company probably did not choose their name for that reason – but many people believe that consumers who buy bottled water are certainly naïve.
5. Printer Ink
You may be able to buy a surprisingly affordable printer at your local office supply store, but don’t start celebrating just yet. The printer companies make their biggest bucks on ink. Over the life of your printer, you’ll probably pay more than 500% of the total price of the printer itself on ink refill cartridges.
6. Brand-Name Fashions
How much did you pay for those True Religion jeans, that Burberry scarf and those towering Louboutin stilettos? Probably a small fortune. But it was worth every penny, right? Not so much. When it comes to designer clothes, it’s pretty obvious that you are paying for the label.
Source: Investopedia.com
THE HAIRCUT
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Posted at 03/03/14 0:14 | View/add comments (1) | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Think About It!
SILENZIO – SOLOIST, MELISSA VENEMA – CONDUCTOR ANDRE RIEU
About six miles from Maastricht, in the Netherlands lie buried 8,301 American soldiers who died in “Operation Market Garden” in the battles to liberate Holland in the fall and winter of 1944-5. Every one of the men buried in the cemetery, as well as those in the Canadian and British military cemeteries has been adopted by a
Dutch family who mind the grave, decorate, and keep alive the memory of the soldier they have adopted. It is even the custom to keep a portrait of “their”
American soldier in a place of honor in their home. Annually on “Liberation Day, “Memorial Services are held for “the men who died to liberate Holland.” The day concludes with a concert. The final piece is always “Il Silenzio”, a memorial piece commissioned by the Dutch and first played in 1965 on the 20th anniversary of Holland’s liberation. It has been the concluding piece of the memorial concert ever since.
This year the soloist was a 13 year old Dutch girl, Melissa Venema, backed by Andre Rieu and his orchestra (the Royal Orchestra of the Netherlands). This beautiful concert piece is based upon the original version of taps and was composed by Italian composer Nino Rossi.
Best to watch at full screen. It is beautiful and very moving, as rendered by this talented young lady.
Posted at 03/02/14 0:22 | Leave a comment | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Music, Video YouTube
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT THE MALL
Posted at 02/28/14 0:44 | Leave a comment | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, videos
THE COMEDIANS
If you are my age, then you surely remember the old Catskill Mountain area in upstate N.Y where comics of vaudeville days, viz., Myron Cohen, Henny Youngman, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, got their start in show business. Here’s a few choice, but worn out lines, that got belly laughs from a mostly Jewish audience:
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love…”Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won’t drink from my glass!
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I Went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me, “Not tonight.” She had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked “Why?” He said “Because you came home early.”
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
LOOSE CHICKENS
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It all started with a few loose chickens.
I was a real estate agent and had gone to check out one of our listed properties. It was an egg-laying operation, a commercial facility involving thousands of caged chickens. The warehouse-like building held hundreds and hundreds of small cages, each containing two hens. The cages were so small that the chickens were unable to turn around. In front of the chickens, one conveyor belt brought feed and behind them was another belt that carried their eggs away. While the plant manager was briefing us, I noticed a dozen loose chickens and an employee following them and scattering grain.
“Do you need help catching them?” I asked. “I’m not trying to catch these birds,” he replied. “Oh no, we let these wander around. If the caged ones can’t see a few chickens living a free life, they’ll lose hope and stop laying their eggs. Without these loose chickens, the rest will just give up and die.”
Instantly, it struck me how similar our lifestyle was to these caged birds. How many of us live our lives in cages, looking out and seeing others having the adventures, living their dreams, being free? I realized that there are two kinds of chickens: those who live in cages and those who roam freely.
I wanted to be one of those loose chickens!
By Nancy Vineski
Source: Chicken Soup for the Soul Newsletter
Posted at 02/28/14 0:13 | Comments Off | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Inspirational, Think About It!
LIP SYNC CONTEST
You hear the voice of the original performer in the background, while what you see is another performer lip syncing the same song and moving with the beat.
Posted at 02/27/14 13:45 | Leave a comment | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, Video YouTube
A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM BARACK OBAMA
February 27th. 2014
From: President Barack Obama
To: Betty & Dr. Scott Tobkes
My wife Michelle and I send our congratulations to our dear friends, Betty and Dr. Scott Tobkes in Davie, Florida . Today, February 27th, they are celebrating their 26th anniversary. Scott, I just want you to know that my back is much better since my last treatment.
Do not forget to give our regards to your kids, Ratchy and Michael…I am guessing that both are still leading students at their colleges. Mike is an expert bowler, and I’ll never forget how he beat my pants off during the last time we played a game at the White House bowling alley.
That concludes my greetings and may I add…God bless the United States of America!
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Posted at 02/27/14 0:32 | View/add comments (1) | Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Spoof, Video YouTube
LIFE’S CYCLE — BACKWARDS
You should die first; start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better and better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension; then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol; you party; you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school; you become a kid; you play; you have no responsibilities; you become a baby,
and, then, you spend your last months floating peacefully, back in the warmth and comfort of your mother’s womb.
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