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NEW DISEASE THREAT TO U.S.A.

By Harvey Tobkes

DoctorELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:

The Center for Disease describes it as…the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President.

Pocahontos Warren, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden or re-elect Donald Trump. Which one would you choose? (Oy Vey!) Sadly, they are probably going to be our choices put forth by the Dems & Republicans in the 2020 election year.

The feeling of “Woe” is running rampant throughout the 50 states. Doctors specializing in political infectious disease say as yet, there is no vaccine or cure in sight.

Conversation Posted at 01/26/20 5:09 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Politics



HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN 2 MINUTES

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CULTURE APPROPRIATION

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WHEN U.S. HAD NO DEBT – YES IT HAPPENED…ONCE UPON A TIME

DEBT NONE

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A BARGAIN RENTAL IF YOU ARE NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

for rent monthly

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PAN-AM FLYING BOATS – THE PACIFIC CLIPPER

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BREAK-UP

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NINETEEN YEARS AGO I RETIRED

————–———-

HERE’S WHY…

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Conversation Posted at 01/25/20 9:05 | Comments Off on NINETEEN YEARS AGO I RETIRED | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Nobody asked me...But



WHERE ARE THE REAL CANDIDATES?

————-———-

By Andy Borowitz

DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) –

A growing number of conspiracy theorists believe that the Democrat candidates who keep showing up for televised debates are impostors and that the actual candidates are tied up in a warehouse somewhere.

“There’s no way that these people are the actual candidates,” said Tracy Klugian, a leading conspiracy theorist who subscribes to the warehouse theory. “The American people need to stand up and demand the return of the real ones.”

Mr. Klugian, who started the website www.WhereAreTheRealOnes.com, said he started suspecting “something was up” months ago when the “supposed Democrat candidates started debating,” but last night’s debate in Iowa left little doubt in his mind that the actual Democrat candidates have been detained elsewhere.

“When the most sensible person onstage is Pocahontas Warren ” he said, “you know that what you’re witnessing is an elaborate hoax.”

Conspiracy theorists like Mr. Klugian leave little doubt who might be behind the conspiracy to tie up the actual candidates at some remote location…Donald Trump!

When the truth about this conspiracy comes out, it’s going to make what happened with the aliens at Roswell look like a game of duck-duck-goose.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Klugian said he remains “baffled” by people who insist on believing that the seven people who debated last night in Iowa are the actual Democrat candidates.

“There’s no way you can believe that if you actually watched the debate,” he said. “It was like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors.”

Conversation Posted at 01/25/20 5:37 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Politics, Spoof



NOOOO! DON’T LIGHT THAT MATCH

—————–2 spacies—————

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission…to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

“Give me the box of matches,” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, ….or nothing happens.” He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms…

“No, no, don’t do it!”

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match. All of a sudden, a crowd of hysterical Martians surround them, all waving their arms and shouting….

“No, no, don’t do that!”

One of the astronauts says, “This looks serious. What are they afraid of Nonetheless, we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”So he strikes a match — which flames up, burns down, and….NOTHING HAPPENS!!

So he turns to the Martians and asks,
“Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?”

——————————————long yellow—————————–

The leader of the Martians says,…. “It’s Shabbos!”

Conversation Posted at 01/25/20 4:14 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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