MAY HE SUFFER IN HELL
At 6:30 p.m. on the evening of April 20, 1889, he was born in the small Austrian village of Braunau Am Inn just across the border from German Bavaria.
Adolf Hitler would one day lead a movement that placed supreme importance on a person’s ancestry, even making it a matter of life and death. However, his own family tree was quite mixed up and would be a lifelong source of embarrassment and concern to him.
His father, Alois, was born in 1837. He was the illegitimate son of Maria Anna Schicklgruber and her unknown mate, which may have been someone from the neighborhood or a poor millworker named Johann Georg Hiedler. It is also remotely possible Adolf Hitler’s grandfather was Jewish.
Several attempts were made on Hitler’s life during the war, but none was successful. As the war appeared to be inevitably lost, he killed himself on April 30, 1945. His long-term mistress and new bride, Eva Braun, joined him in suicide. By that time, his main diabolical objective was achieved with the annihilation of two-thirds of European Jewry.
(“Jenny”) — I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here’s how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story. I’m (“Jenny”), “the one married 20+ years…
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
While the priest was presenting a children’s sermon, he asked the children if they knew what The Resurrection was.
A boy enthusiastically waggled his hand in the air anxious to give the answer…the priest called on him and the boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
From the award-winning documentary, Playing For Change: Peace Through Music, comes the follow up to the classic “Stand By Me.”
For best viewing:
1. Click the large arrow in the center
2. To advance the pages, click the small forward arrow left bottom
3. To view Full Screen, click the square box to the left of “aS” logo.
Uploaded on authorSTREAM by harveyt
Television commercials are made for morons.
And the worst offenders are the Infomercials: – Lose 30 pounds in 30 days. – Want abs that will make you irresistible, you need our dynamic body machine. —Facial cream makes you look years younger. — Coat your roof with our amazing spray and stop the leaks. — I’m sure you’ve seen them all!
Pharmaceutical companies all seem to be on that same track. First they show you a person or a couple leading a wonderful life, presumably because they used the advertised medication. Then they speed talk a list of side-effects that are so horrendous you want to cover your ears, and finally end with the cliché…”Ask your doctor if ‘Curitall’ is right for you.”
Auto dealers spouting lease payments run a close second; the monthly payments are the teaser (low…and oh so tempting!). What you cannot hear, is that the offering is for a basic model with a text disclaimer at the bottom of the TV screen that appears for a nanosecond in a print size you couldn’t read with the Hubble Telescope; it lists a dozen charges for huge up-front money requirements.
How could all those suckers have bitten on mortgage teaser loan ads? It only takes half a brain to know if it’s too good to be true…forget it. So now we have sub-prime borrowers defaulting on their loans and homes in foreclosure all over the country. Home loans are the most egregious examples of deceptive advertising.
So, why don’t our lawmakers clamp down on these predators? Two reasons, LOBBYI$T$ …or maybe because those same lawmakers are getting the straight deal without the disclaimer as a reward for their forbearance.
Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days – Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don’t we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:
*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable? ” The man says, “I make a good living.”
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
To start video, click arrow lower left
By Marnie Winston-Macauley
“Did you remember to buy me Pepsi, gummy bears, and chocolate chip cookies — the soft kind?” asked my son, as I schlepped a dozen plastic shopping bags. “I got it, I got it,” I answered wearily. “Good! Mom, what about the Altoids … and cigarettes?”
Did I mention he’s 30?
Like many bizarro boomers, when I gave birth, I vowed to be parent-perfect. My child would be allowed to “express” himself, “be” himself, “find” himself. As a Jewish parent, “perfect” was a starting point. I was determined to be a Boomer mama deluxe, which is why I’m asking him if he prefers milk with U-Bet chocolate syrup or Metamucil with his Oreos.
With age, we narcissists started to wonder about our empty-nester parents. “What would they live for?” we worried. As usual, life had a way of putting things right. Somehow they managed to muddle through. With the miracle of anti-aging shakes, Viagra, and “wellness clinics,” they danced around early bird buffets, booked into elder-hostels, and downsized to motor, and manufactured homes in places like Miami Beach and Scottsdale. While mama and papa were learning to rap, line-dance, and traverse the Rockies in their RV’s, we were working two careers, caring for our own 30-year-old “kids,” and couldn’t send them to their bubbie and zaydie whose “guest room” consists of a pull-out sofa.
So we’re stuck with our “adultalescents” — the snazzy new psycho-babble for kids who don’t leave home till they’re eligible for Medicare. In fact, in at least one country, Italy, “adultalescence” is being recognized by the laws of the land.
Notice at the very end of the video, she steps on a little red towel to get into the car so she won’t dirty the running board, then picks it up and puts it in the car so she can use it when she gets out! A very precious old lady.
Margaret Dunning is an amazing woman; 101-years-old driving an 81-year-old car and would you believe, she changes the oil and spark plugs herself!
By Harvey Tobkes
If everyone had a Utopian life with no worries and everything we want at every stage of our lives, then the human race would have perished long ago. Life is competitive, if not against others, then within ourselves; we have our own visions of what we want and what we should be.
People who can appreciate what they have and their potential and inner hope and drive to achieve even more in the unknown future are fortunate.
And then there is the realization that life is about solving problems and there will always be problems. So, do not hope for Utopia. Hope to solve your problems and appreciate all that you have.
Why is it that most people are not happy? Sometimes, I find myself falling into this category, and I wonder if there is another way. Is this trait somewhat instinctive or perhaps so logical that it cannot be refrained?
However, there does come a time in most lives when you feel it’s time to reap the rewards of struggle and that time is called retirement. For some it’s like Utopia and for others it is boredom and hanging around waiting for the grim reaper.
Hopefully, you will leave the rat race one day and you too will discover the big “U.”
I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD, you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
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Me? To get the best view, I watched this full screen. I think she is predicting heavy rain and lightning…I don’t speak a word of Hungarian, but I know a chicken paprikash when I see one.
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A riveting scene unfolded in Congress today as a tearful Speaker John Boehner took to the floor of the House to tell his colleagues, “I don’t want to live in a world where seven million people get affordable health care.”
Tears streaming down his cheeks, Rep. Boehner appeared unable to maintain his composure as he delivered a speech interrupted by blubbering and sharp intakes of breath.
“What kind of a world is it where anyone can go on the Internet and get health care they can afford?” he said. “Not a world I’d care to live in, or leave to my children.”
“It’s not right… and it’s not America,” he said, breaking down.
Later, dabbing his eyes, a still-sobbing Boehner apologized to reporters for “losing it up there.”
“I don’t like to get so emotional,” he said. “But when seven million people signed up for Obamacare, a part of me died.”