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DERMATOLOGY 101

By Harvey Tobkes
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Many years ago, I was suffering from a cruel crotch itch, and not only was it unbearable, but it was embarrassing. I am reluctant to see doctors, so I tried every over the counter itch reliever, but nothing helped. Finally, after a sleepless night, I gave up on trying to be my own doctor, and early the next morning I called a well-recommended dermatologist , and got a same-day appointment.

The doctor had me drop my pants and did an examination. After careful consideration he said, “What you have is only a small problem.” I was hoping he wasn’t talking about the size of my penis. Nevertheless, he gave me a prescription for some kind of ointment, and that was that; temporarily.

I picked up the prescription at a local Wal-Mart pharmacy, and rushed home to apply it, hoping to get some quick relief. After 15 minutes, I experienced a burning sensation down below that was so fierce I had to jump into the bath to put out the flames.

As soon as I washed, powdered, and felt human again, I got on the phone and called the doctor.

nurse

“Nurse Ratched” from the movie, One Flew Over The Cuccoo’s Nest, took my call and said in a low but intimidating voice, “The doctor is busy with patients right now, may I help you? “Ummm, well,” I said, “my problem is a bit difficult to explain over the phone.” She persisted, ” I’m a registered nurse and fully qualified, so please just tell me what is your problem.

I said, “I think I’d rather have the doctor call me back when he’s free.” This may have angered her because she raised her voice to a scream and in a semi-hysterical state she let me have it with all the sarcasm she could muster, “Doctor is a very busy man and he cannot be making calls to patients, so you had better let me try to help you.” I bit my tongue, but that didn’t stop it from saying what it wanted to. I swear, it spoke as if it had a mind of its own, and didn’t take orders from the brain.

I took a deep breath, like a tenor getting ready to deliver a climactic aria to an opera, and I said, “O.K. Nurse, I’ll give it a try,…the doctor examined me about 2 hours ago and prescribed an ointment. I applied it, and now my balls are on fire and my dick feels like it’s going to fall off.”

She said, “One moment please, I’ll get the doctor.”

Conversation Posted at 01/25/15 9:30 | Comments Off | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Humor



UNEMPLOYED GUY GETS JOB OFFER

Liar

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi.You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 20-year-old daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his brand new Rolls Royce, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and the salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You*re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . You started it!”

Conversation Posted at 01/25/15 4:35 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



THE REAL BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI – WITH THEME MUSIC

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“LET’S DON’T WORRY”

From the award-winning documentary, Playing For Change: Peace Through Music, comes the follow up to the classic “Stand By Me.”

Conversation Posted at 01/24/15 3:25 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Music, Video YouTube



THE BLACK BRA

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The story that follows was told to me by a woman. I can’t tell you whether it’s true or not, but I can tell you it’s funny and maybe even typical. Read on!…

(“Jenny”) — I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story. I’m (“Jenny”), “the one married 20+ years…
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”


Conversation Posted at 01/24/15 1:06 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Spoof



IRISH STEP DANCERS

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HEAVENLY GREEK ISLANDS –

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TOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL OPERA HOUSES IN THE WORLD

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CELLMATE ASKS THE USUAL QUESTION

health

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ANTIQUE BEAUTIES

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TV CAPTURES SOME SHOCKING EVENTS

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BALLOON SHOW – GERMANY

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TEN TOP MOVIE CLIPS

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LULLABY – SCHLAFLIED

Conversation Posted at 01/20/15 23:16 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



MY MORNING

By Harvey Tobkes

My right side hearing aid stopped working and needed to be repaired. So, I left the house at 9 AM this morning, as Tuesday is O.K. for walk-ins at V.A. Audiology.


Hearing problem

After a 40 minute wait, I felt I would be called momentarily and sure enough a young lady in a white coat opened the forbidden door and called out, "Tobkes." I followed her to an office that was unfamiliar; I took a seat and placed my hearing aid on the table. She picked it up and looked at it like it was a roach and asked, "did you get this here." Hmm? I thought, what a ridiculous question, but I kept my cool and simply answered, "yes!" Next she asked what I had eaten for breakfast and that went to my brain like a lightning bolt...so I answered angrily, "I am here to get my hearing aid repaired not to discuss breakfast. My name is Harvey Tobkes and I registered at the reception desk 40 minutes ago." "Oh" she said, "I am the nutritionist, I called the name Hopkins; sir, you are in the wrong department." Oh shit! when you have a name like Tobkes and you are hearing impaired almost anything sounds like Tobkes.

I tried to control laughing but I managed to apologize and explain my hearing dilemma to the nutritionist and then I told her a topper to what had just happened...many years ago, wifey Anita and I were watching the news detailing the atrocities in Iraq and she exclaimed..."they should put that monster Hussein in a SHREDDER." I was confused, so I asked her why would you want to put him in a SWEATER??

The nutritionist ate that story up, so we were O.K. No harm done!

P.S. If you must know...I had oatmeal with fresh strawberries, banana slices and a cup of coffee.

Conversation Posted at 01/20/15 16:00 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories



INVENTIONS WE NEED BADLY – #3 IN A SERIES OF 10

An easy to clean hairbrush; just rinse, and it restores itself to like new.

hairbrush

Conversation Posted at 01/20/15 11:09 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Just My Opinion



CARTOON ON AGING

IMG_2600

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LAUGH AND KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY

Otoscope

A hearty laugh a day may keep the doctor away, say the findings of a unique study. Whereas previous studies have examined how negative emotions can adversely affect our health, this study took a new spin–they measured the affect of watching a funny movie on the ability of heart blood vessels to expand. And they found some surprising results…. laughing increased blood flow as much as a 15- to 30-minute workout.

http://www.mercola.com/2005/apr/2/laughter_health.htm

Conversation Posted at 01/19/15 6:00 | Comments Off | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Health



GREAT SPEECH – NEVER HEARD

Below is an excerpt from the book Exile, written by James North Patterson; it is a work of fiction. The words spoken by the prime minister of Israel, Amos Ben-Aron, are a figment of the writer’s imagination.

PrayerIsraeli flag

“There are Jews,” Ben-Aron continued, “consumed by the tragedies of three thousand years that they cannot see the suffering of Palestinians. There are Palestinians so blinded by the suffering of sixty years ago [referring to the slaughter at Sabra and Shatila, in Lebanon, and the horror of refugee camps] that they cannot acknowledge the suffering of Jews.

Today Palestinians call the date of Israel’s founding, “the day of catastrophe,” marking it with a moment of silence with which we, on our Day of Remembrance, recall the victims of the Holocaust. Today Palestinians chafe under the occupation by Israeli soldiers, while Israelis fear death at the hands of Palestinian suicide-bombers.

“Enough!” Standing straighter, Ben-Aron surveyed the audience. “To the Palestinian people I say know your history. You, like we, have been displaced and dispossessed. Your history is our history. Yet you the victims and we the victims, have been pitted against each other in one of history’s cruelest ironies.”

“Enough!” Ben-Aron repeated. “It is time to build a future for our children. Our history must not be their destiny; their destiny cannot be still more deaths/”

Conversation Posted at 01/19/15 5:25 | Comments Off | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Think About It!



TOP 10 XXX MOVIE CLIPS

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INVENTIONS WE NEED BADLY – #1 IN A SERIES OF 10

A toilet where you won’t miss (no pun intended) the movie. Haha! Coming to your local theaters soon.

—————-movie————–

Conversation Posted at 01/18/15 1:06 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Makes sense to me



INVENTIONS WE NEED BADLY- #2 IN A SERIES OF 10

Traffic lights with a visible countdown indicator.

———-traffic lite———-

Conversation Posted at 01/18/15 0:44 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Makes sense to me



YEAH! THEY GOT THAT RIGHT

ANITA

Conversation Posted at 01/18/15 0:42 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: People



WHAT IS LIFE?

life what it means

Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.”

~~~~~~~~~Mother Teresa~~~~~~~~

Conversation Posted at 01/18/15 0:27 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



WISE OLD BEN – ON HIS 309th BIRTHDAY

Ben Franklin


By Harvey Tobkes

My personal interview and conversation with Benjamin Franklin, today he is 309-years-old:

Q: Happy birthday Mr. Franklin! May I start, sir, by asking… has your outlook on life changed much since your younger days?
A: When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.

Q: You have been known as a wise and frugal man, so can you give our younger readers some advice about the value of money?
A: If you would know the value of money, try to borrow some.

Q: I hear you have many friends that come from great distances to visit you and learn from your sage advice.
A Yes! but I will say this about them all, “Guests, like fish begin to smell after three days.”

Q: Are there any absolutes or certainties in life?
A: Certainties? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Q: Do you have many close friends?
A: There are 3 faithful friends in a lifetime that a man may have. An old wife, an old dog and ready money.

Q. Upon reflection, do you like the wise and witty person you have become?
A: Yes! But remember he that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Q: What would you say is one of life’s great tragedies?
A: Life’s great tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

Q:. We know you have done many good deeds and favors for your friends; how have you been rewarded?
A: Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay greater ones with ingratitude.

Q: And now, sir, my closing question, which many of our readers look forward to: Is it true that your Jewish mother often warned….”Benny, stop playing around already with the ‘fershtunkener’ kite; there’s lightning; you’ll kill yourself?”

He was born January 17th, 1706, so today we celebrate the 309th birthday of Ben Franklin. He is the second most quoted man in the English language after Shakespeare. His innovations included the concepts of a police force, fire fighting brigades, and insurance. He invented bifocals and created daylight savings time He discovered electricity in lightning and made many contributions to medicine and meteorology. Incredibly, he also became famous for being a statesman, a printer, a philosopher, a musician, and an economist. Today, we honor Ben Franklin as one of our Founding Fathers and as one of America’s greatest citizens. Although he was born in Boston, the city of Philadelphia is remembered as the home of Ben Franklin. In Philadelphia, you can find both Ben’s grave site and the Benjamin Franklin National Memorial. You’ll also find The Franklin Institute Science Museum.

Conversation Posted at 01/17/15 0:28 | Comments Off | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Author: Harvey Tobkes, Interview, Spoof



VISIONS OF VENICE

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ANCIENT CHINA – ENTER THE FORBIDDEN CITY

1. Click the large arrow in the center.
2. Click the small square (at bottom right next to “aS” Logo) to view Full Screen.
3. When the first page opens, click the space bar on your keyboard to advance the slide.

Conversation Posted at 01/16/15 19:02 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Slide Show



IF YOU LOVE GREEK MUSIC AND DANCING – OPA! YASSOU!

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STATUES AND STRANGE THINGS

1. Click the large arrow in the center.
2. Click the small square (at bottom right next to “aS” Logo) to view Full Screen.
3. When the first page opens, click the space bar on your keyboard to advance the slide.

Conversation Posted at 01/16/15 14:10 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Slide Show



LISTEN CAREFULLY TO HIS WORDS

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Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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