Harvey Tobkes header

EUNUCH TEST- CLIP FROM “HISTORY OF THE WORLD”

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BAD FORTUNE COOKIE

zwani.com myspace graphic comments

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NOT EASY TO WALK ON WATER

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QUADRUPLE RAINBOW RARE PHENOMENON

now use this

Conversation Posted at 04/25/15 16:38 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General, PHOTOS



FOUR DANGER SIGNS IN YOUR PEE PEE

——————-use me—————–
The toilet bowl is more than just a body-waste receptacle. If you know what to look for, it can be a diagnostic tool. Just follow this guide from The Better Man Project, a cutting-edge user’s manual for a man’s body, filled with thousands of tips and health hacks.

1. Your Pee Is Cloudy
The forecast: bacterial infection, especially if there’s a foul smell or burning sensation. The cloudiness is a byproduct of white blood cells working to fight germs.

2. Your Pee Is Bloody
Blood can signal an enlarged prostate or kidney stone or even cancer. Have it checked out right away.

3. Your Pee Is Frothy or Foamy
There’s too much protein in your pee, which means your kidneys aren’t doing their job of filtering it out. This could signal the start of diabetes or kidney disease.

4. Your Pee Is Brown or Rusty
Rust-hued urine can be a bacterial calling card. Blood sometimes looks brown. The same color change can also be caused by bilirubin, a liver byproduct that can signal liver disease.

If you notice any of these in your pee, don’t freak out, but do say schedule an appointment with a doctor or urologist.

Source: From the editors of Men’s Health

Conversation Posted at 04/25/15 13:31 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Health



DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE

TERXT AND DRIVE

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HOW ABOUT KARDASHIAN? OR HILLARY?

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GOODBYE, MY LOVE, GOODBYE

Lyrics
Hear the wind sing a sad, old song
It knows i’m leaving you today
Please don’t cry or my heart will break
When I go on my way
Goodbye my love goodbye
Goodbye and au revoir
As long as you remember me
I’ll never be too far
Goodbye my love goodbye
I always will be true
So hold me in your dreams
’till I come back to you
See the stars in the skies above
They’ll shine wherever I may roam
I will pray every lonely night
That soon they’ll guide me home
Goodbye my love goodbye
Goodbye and au revoir
As long as you remember me
I’ll never be too far

Conversation Posted at 04/24/15 9:54 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Music, Video YouTube



GOOD ADVICE POSTERS

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Conversation Posted at 04/24/15 1:09 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Advice



ADD SANTORINI TO YOUR “BUCKET LIST”

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DUELING VIOLINS WITH YANNI ORCHESTRA

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WHEN GOD PAINTS

Conversation Posted at 04/23/15 5:52 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Inspirational, Video YouTube



CLEVER APHORISMS

—————–ONE AND A HALF————

Wise old Ben Franklin once said, “The handshake of the host often affects the taste of the roast.”

A balanced diet is a pastrami sandwich in each hand.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three day before you need it.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture…you probably need the trip.

Remember…Once you get over the hill, you’ll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine… Sometimes I even put some in the food.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me…it’s impossible to live long enough to make them all yourself. I’ve tried!!

Conversation Posted at 04/23/15 4:12 | Comments Off on CLEVER APHORISMS | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff



NAKED COWBOY IN TIMES SQUARE

Conversation Posted at 04/23/15 0:11 | Comments Off on NAKED COWBOY IN TIMES SQUARE | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff, Video YouTube



THINK ABOUT IT

EQUAL

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HOW TO POACH AN EGG

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HAVING FUN WITH WORDS

Monkey doll

1. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

13. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Conversation Posted at 04/22/15 1:13 | Comments Off on HAVING FUN WITH WORDS | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff



CONSUMER TIP

If you buy on line, check out the seller very carefully.

An anonymous friend of mine got clipped for $150 when he used his credit card for an online purchase of a supposedly 100% guaranteed to work…penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Conversation Posted at 04/22/15 0:41 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke, Spoof



HE’S GOT THAT RIGHT!

fat

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HILLARY’S WELL PAID SPEECH – AT A MEETING OF HADASSAH

———————————HILLARY SPEECH—————————-
My Dear Ladies of Hadassah… let me start by saying how nice it is to be among mishpoche. I’m reminded of a Sunday morning a few weeks back when I was schmoozing with my husband, the former President of the United States, and our beautiful, talented daughter, Chelsea sitting beside her hubby Marc who was holding our granddaughter, their baby, Charlotte Clinton Mezevinsky.

You all probably know she married a nice Jewish boy from a rich family and she herself has left her $600,000 a year job as a correspondent for NBC and is now serving as vice chairperson for The Clinton Foundation, Chelsala is also on the board of the School of American Ballet. I know I don’t have to tell you ladies what a machayah it is, having a child like this.

Anyway, I was sitting having my usual bagel with some good novy and a schmear, and Bill-eleh, my husband, the ex-president, and soon-to-be first man, was sitting alongside me. I asked him if he realized how fortunate we all are to be living in this great country of ours. I mean, sure, Obama is temporarily living in the White House, but soon we will be back there, bet your bottom dollar. I have a strong feeling the next president will be a woman, me for example, and then we could move right back. Haha! Oy Vey! And don’t even get me started on the way the Republicans are being so nasty to Obama a chalyera af zey… on all of them.

“But this is my point. I am out of retirement now, and I am back in the rat race of politics…I ask you where, but in America, could I have been Secretary of State and sitting down with world leaders, not to drink coffee, tea or Sanka and play mah jongg, but to decide the important domestic and foreign issues of the day?

And so, ladies, today as I reach out the hand of friendship to you, my shvesteren, my landzsmen, I come to ask that you join me in my quest. And to assure you that behind this goyishe punim is a yiddisher kop.

I hope to meet each of you personally at the lovely dairy brunch following this event.

Hillary Clinton

And I hope you’ll forgive me if I pass on the whitefish, it’s a little salty and I’m retaining. God bless America! We should all live and be well!

Conversation Posted at 04/21/15 2:30 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Spoof



ABS-SOLUTE MADNESS

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I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. Most of us didn’t even realize we had stomach muscles.

SupermanThe TV Superman, who was more powerful than a locomotive, did not have visible stomach muscles. In fact, he didn’t have much muscle definition at all; he pretty much looked like a middle-aged guy at a Halloween party wearing a Superman costume made from pajamas, a guy who had definitely put in some time around the onion dip. From certain angles, he looked as though he weighed more than a locomotive. But he got the job done. He was always flying to crime scenes faster than a speeding bullet in a horizontal position with his arms out in front of him.

When Superman arrived at the crime scene, he would knock down the door, played by a piece of balsa wood, and confront the criminals, who were usually suit-wearing men with harsh voices. (You had a better-dressed criminal in those days.)

And how important, really, are abdominal muscles? I mean, I’m sure they serve some medical function, such as keeping your intestines from falling into your lap, but do they have to be huge? Do these people who spend 17 hours a day building up their abdominals ever actually use them for any practical purpose? If so, what? Moving furniture? (“OK, Thad, you push your awesome abs against that end of the bureau, and I’ll push mine against this end, and we’ll just…Huh! It’s not moving!”)

Are we going to draw the line somewhere? Think about it!

Excerpt from an article written by humorist, Dave Barry. For full article go to:
Dave Barry

Conversation Posted at 04/21/15 1:30 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Thoughts to Ponder



WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY?

AMAZING SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH
———————————–Note: Closed Captions are available. Good Luck!————————–

Conversation Posted at 04/21/15 1:04 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Spoof



HITLER’S 126th BIRTHDAY TODAY

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MAY HE SUFFER IN HELL

At 6:30 p.m. on the evening of April 20, 1889, he was born in the small Austrian village of Braunau Am Inn just across the border from German Bavaria.

Adolf Hitler would one day lead a movement that placed supreme importance on a person’s ancestry, even making it a matter of life and death. However, his own family tree was quite mixed up and would be a lifelong source of embarrassment and concern to him.

His father, Alois, was born in 1837. He was the illegitimate son of Maria Anna Schicklgruber and her unknown mate, which may have been someone from the neighborhood or a poor millworker named Johann Georg Hiedler. It is also remotely possible Adolf Hitler’s grandfather was Jewish.

Several attempts were made on Hitler’s life during the war, but none was successful. As the war appeared to be inevitably lost, he killed himself on April 30, 1945. His long-term mistress and new bride, Eva Braun, joined him in suicide. By that time, his main diabolical objective was achieved with the annihilation of two-thirds of European Jewry.

Conversation Posted at 04/20/15 3:15 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: History



A HINT ~ FROM A CLEVER JEWISH GIRL

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Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the subject of marriage. Finally, Myrna’s mama sat her down.

“Darling, I think you’ve waited long enough. The next time you’re out, give him a little hint; after all it’s time he asks you to marry him.”

The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favorite Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he read the menu, he casually asked her, “So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?”

Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied, “Thrown.”

Conversation Posted at 04/20/15 1:13 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



ACTUAL EPITAPHS FROM TOMBSTONES

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A Lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.


Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory
of my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.


Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for the town of Naco, Arizona
(Moore dIed In the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetry in Tombtone, Arizona).
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
“I told you I was sick!”


On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond,
Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

in a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good:
We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp filled with
“R.E. Danforth’s Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Conversation Posted at 04/20/15 1:02 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Witty Sayings



PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED

Ph.D. graduate

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

14. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

15. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

20. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Conversation Posted at 04/19/15 8:03 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Internet Humor



THE WHEELS OF LIFE

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Conversation Posted at 04/19/15 2:04 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Aging



NOT A DIRTY JOKE – SO WHAT IS IT?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never gave his to a woman

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Elizabeth Taylor claims that she took on 7.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it?

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Answer: ‘A Last Name.’

Conversation Posted at 04/19/15 1:02 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Internet Humor



THE INFINITE JUKEBOX – FIND ANY SONG & HIT…PLAY

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CLICK HERE TO OPEN TO YOUR PERSONAL JUKEBOX<

Conversation Posted at 04/18/15 9:06 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Music



A NATIONAL TREASURE & SUBLIME BEAUTY

Grand Canyon

Conversation Posted at 04/18/15 8:58 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Inspirational



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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