Adolf Hitler would one day lead a movement that placed supreme importance on a person’s ancestry, even making it a matter of life and death. However, his own family tree was quite mixed up and would be a lifelong source of embarrassment and concern to him.

His father, Alois, was born in 1837. He was the illegitimate son of Maria Anna Schicklgruber and her unknown mate, which may have been someone from the neighborhood or a poor millworker named Johann Georg Hiedler. It is also remotely possible Adolf Hitler’s grandfather was Jewish.

(“Jenny”) — I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story. I’m (“Jenny”), “the one married 20+ years…
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

A boy enthusiastically waggled his hand in the air anxious to give the answer…the priest called on him and the boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Pharmaceutical companies all seem to be on that same track. First they show you a person or a couple leading a wonderful life, presumably because they used the advertised medication. Then they speed talk a list of side-effects that are so horrendous you want to cover your ears, and finally end with the cliché…”Ask your doctor if ‘Curitall’ is right for you.”

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

People who can appreciate what they have and their potential and inner hope and drive to achieve even more in the unknown future are fortunate.

And then there is the realization that life is about solving problems and there will always be problems. So, do not hope for Utopia. Hope to solve your problems and appreciate all that you have.

Why is it that most people are not happy? Sometimes, I find myself falling into this category, and I wonder if there is another way. Is this trait somewhat instinctive or perhaps so logical that it cannot be refrained?

However, there does come a time in most lives when you feel it’s time to reap the rewards of struggle and that time is called retirement. For some it’s like Utopia and for others it is boredom and hanging around waiting for the grim reaper.

Hopefully, you will leave the rat race one day and you too will discover the big “U.”

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Rep. Boehner appeared unable to maintain his composure as he delivered a speech interrupted by blubbering and sharp intakes of breath.

“What kind of a world is it where anyone can go on the Internet and get health care they can afford?” he said. “Not a world I’d care to live in, or leave to my children.”

“It’s not right… and it’s not America,” he said, breaking down.

Later, dabbing his eyes, a still-sobbing Boehner apologized to reporters for “losing it up there.”

“I don’t like to get so emotional,” he said. “But when seven million people signed up for Obamacare, a part of me died.”