Listerine mouth wash did more than merely bestow upon the English language a lasting turn of phrase. Prior to its being marketed as a breath freshener (its earlier uses were to sterilize gauze bandages, clean floors, irrigate nasal passages, and the product was even touted as both baldness and gonorrhea cures), folks weren’t overly concerned about their bad breath.
Only a series of Listerine print ads (including “Often a bridesmaid but never a bride”) prompted consumers to buy mouth rinses to combat their halitosis.
Elvis Presley may be remembered as a rocker with a penchant for Baptist hymnals, but the King also had major Jewish lineage. According to a biography, “Elvis and Gladys”, the Memphis musician was Jewish through matrilineal descent. And, he was proud of it.
In Elaine Dundy’s 1995 book “Elvis and Gladys” she wrote about the singer’s relationship with his mother, Gladys Love Smith. Gladys’ maternal grandmother was Martha Tacket, also Jewish.
According to the book, Elvis knew about his Jewish lineage, but his parents told him to keep it quiet, fearing an anti-Semitic backlash in the 1940’s Mississippi. Nevertheless, Elvis was known to wear a Chai necklace for good luck and carried a yarmulke in his jacket pocket.
He buried his mother under a gravestone engraved with both a crucifix and a Star of David. “After his mother died, Elvis personally designed his beloved mother’s gravesite, which included a Star of David onGladys Love Presley’s tombstone,” Dundee wrote in her book. “He made the decision to honor his Jewish heritage, something his mother was proud of and acknowledged her Jewish heritage to Elvis at a very early age.”
It all comes down to a choice between an (un)indited Criminal or a Clown.
I say, “…send in the clown(s)
Here’s a spoof, but two of these actually did have a Jewish Mother.
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, or playing with yourself, take your hand out of there and show me!”
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “A Hillary you married, at least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Abie, again with the top hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!”
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, it’s midnight young man and you’re not going out riding your farshtukener horse like a mashuguna and yelling…”The Yiddish are coming.”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Albert what’s wrong with you! It’s your senior photograph! Couldn’t you have done something with your hair?”
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER: “That’s a good “Bubbe Micer” story! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years!”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care how far away you were or what you discovered! You couldn’t pick up a pencil and write, maybe tell me if your hemorrhoids are better? I forgot your face, a picture would have been nice.
1. Try everything twice.
On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
“Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!”
2. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…
Never let the brain get idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.
8. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
9. Don’t take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.