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A DANGEROUS HIKING TRAIL

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RITA HAYWORTH ~ STAYIN’ ALIVE

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THE STORY OF SYLVIA, THE 3000-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

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We were very excited when we got word from an Israeli news source of a miraculous find made by archeologists during a routine expedition in an unexplored region of the Negev Desert. It was reported that they found an ancient woman named Sylvia, living in a small hut who claimed she was 3000 years old. We were lucky to book a flight and the next day we landed in Tel-Aviv and hurried to the site. We humbly asked Sylvia if she would grant us the honor and privilege to be the first to interview her, and she agreed! We were over the moon and want to share with you now part of our conversation with THE 3000-YEAR-OLD JEWISH WOMAN! 

Me: In a long lifetime, what was your greatest achievement?

SYLVIA: Not that I want praise, poo-poo, but to set the record straight…I invented the Jewish Star by drawing two triangles in the sand and then drawing them again, one over the other. In the early years, The Star of David was originally called the Star of Sylvia; even though you now call it the Star of David, it should be The Star of Sylvia!

Me: I know the world is fascinated by your longevity. To what do you attribute your phenomenal age?

SYLVIA: I am very health conscious. After I passed my 413th birthday, I figured…“did I need the crowds? The noise? People spitting on me when they talk?” And the cake, who needs it? You try blowing out all those candles. You could lose a lung, maybe two. So, I moved out here in the desert…to get away from people.

Me: And … you’re Jewish?

SYLVIA: Is the Pope Catholic?

Me: Over the years you’ve seen so many marvelous inventions, tell the world what in your opinion was the greatest invention?

SYLVIA: Deodorant! No question. Our original abode was crowded. Picture it. A hundred people running around wearing fur in 110 degrees heat sharing a small hut. You could plotz from the stink alone. Oh boy! Even Jezebel had a problem getting dates. So how could I have a chance? People were fainting right and left, it took Goldblatt , the Firemaker, to say, “Maybe we should build another two huts.” Great idea! The man was gifted!

Me: In 3000 years you must have had many careers. What were some of them?

SYLVIA: Mostly slavery. I lived with my parents until I was 526 years old. They tried to teach me to be a good balaboosta, but it never worked out. My matzo balls came out square, and a beauty I wasn’t. But I was one great cleaner. When the Colossus of Rhodes fell, who do you think cleaned up? Me, Sylvia, with a little help from Marvin, with whom I was keeping company.

Me: In those days, what games did you play?

SYLVIA: It’s hard to put it in words because nothing had names. Making names for stuff was a popular game. In fact, we loved it so much, that two cousins in our village Max Butensky and Irving Kantrowitz, thought: “Why don’t we make a regular contest to name “stuff.” Isaac Funk won. It was Isaac who, for example, named a Nookie a Nookie and a Schlong a Schlong he also named a cloud a cloud, a dog a dog. The whole village turned out after Shabbos to compete. Max and Irving got so rich with that lousy game, each had a roof that didn’t leak.

Me: Sylvia, tell us. How many times have you been married and who was your favorite hubby?

SYLVIA: All totaled, I had 97 husbands but my favorite was Sammie, If you must know, Sammie, was my 32nd. We had a nice wedding, officiated by rabbi Ginsberg, the most important rabbi in the desert. The funny thing was, of all my husbands, Sammie was a winner. I never before or since, met a man who could recite Torah, make the best brisket, and weave a curtain from twigs. Best of all, he always put the toilet seat down after peeing. Meanwhile, enough is enough already! Sitting out here in a hot sun talking to you I am getting liver spots. This interview is over!

Credit, source & inspiration for this article go to Marnie Winston-McCauley who writes for Aish. see Jewlarious

Conversation Posted at 10/18/21 3:02 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Spoof



WOMAN HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM SEEKS HELP FROM HER RABBI

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A women goes to her Rabbi with a serious problem. She explains that her two female parrots have picked up a terrible habit “Whenever I have visitors, my precious little parrots blurt out in unison, ‘Hi! We’re hookers – Want to have some fun?’ It’s so embarrassing. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me Rabbi?”

To her surprise, the Rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who’ve become very observant, spending much of their day praying in their cage.

He’s confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi’s house and brings her two parrots into his home

As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: “Hi We’re hookers – Want to have some fun?”

One of the rabbi’s parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: “Moishe, put the book down. Our prayers have been answered!”


Conversation Posted at 10/18/21 2:23 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



ALL ABOUT ANIMAL SEX HABITS

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You Should find Kangaroos and Alligators interesting

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THE TWO THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD MAN

The excerpt below is from the book by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, Two thousand Year Old Man In The Year 200. I am sure most of you are familiar with Carl’s interview and questions put to the Two Thousand Year Old Man.

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Prehistoric man and wheel

Carl: Sir, can you tell us a little about your children?

2000-year-old man
I have more than 42,000 children and not one comes to visit me. But they’re children, so what can you do? All you can do is let them go. I say, ‘Good luck to them.’ Let them be happy. As long as they’re happy, I don’t care. Of course, they should send a note once in a while. ‘Hiya Pop. How you doing, Pop.’ I’m proud of them anyway. I have 21,000 doctors, 10,000 lawyers, 700 accountants, 400 teachers, plenty of scientists, a few rabbis, and the rest are in show business (ten Oscars, twenty-two Golden Globes, seven Emmys, sixteen Tonys, two Obies and a Kasha.
…(Note to viewer: Kasha is a Russian award for country-eastern singing). Haha!

All the great Jewish entertainers gave their parents their awards to put on top of their TV sets. My set is full up. It all started with Moses, who gave his mother and father the stone tablets with the Ten Commandments on them. They went right over the mantel-piece with a beautiful forty-dollar gold-leaf frame around them.

You couldn’t walk into that home without his mother saying, “Look what my Moses brought us from his trip to the mountains.”

Conversation Posted at 10/17/21 5:16 | Comments Off on THE TWO THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD MAN | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Spoof



MAXINE TELLS US WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT

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HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN 2 MINUTES

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To browse all articles go to >>> http://tobkes.othellomaster.com/

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MAXINE TELLS IT LIKE IT IS….the truth about diapers

Maxphoto

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MAY NOT BE A TRUE STORY – BUT IT IS CLEVER

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One day president Dwight Eisenhower met Israel’s prime minister, David Ben-Gurion, in the Oval Office. Ike said, “It is not easy being president of 170 million people here in the United Stares.”

Ben-Gurion responded, “It is much harder to be prime minister of 2 million prime ministers in Israel”

Conversation Posted at 10/17/21 3:56 | View/add comments (3) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Famous People



SELTZER = FIZZICAL THERAPY…hahaha!

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Actually, the name “Seltzer” (called “seltser”) came from the German town of Niederselters. In 1772, scientist Joseph Priestly who “sniffed” out oxygen, wrote it could prevent scurvy. So, the next year Jacob Schweppes (yes, that Schweppes) of London, produced and sold this medical marvel. “Seltser” not only rid one of “feverish ailments and biliousness,” but could cure nervous affections brought on by “much speaking– or dancing.” Dr. Philip Syng Physick introduced the artificial carbonated water to America in 1807 for relief of gastric disorders (Do you remember when your bubbe called a laxative a “physic?” OK mine did). Well, Philadelphia pharmacist Townsend Speakman supplied his patients with a glass daily, and at $1.50 per month, no Philadelphian would belch. Even The New York Times, in an 1835 ad touted the elixir for “travelers as the only sure preventative against the influence of a hostile climate.”

As for the egg cream? Mel Brooks described its curative powers in a 1975 interview. When one of his childhood friends was hurt playing ball, he would scream, “Bring an egg cream!” An egg cream, Brooks described, “can do anything … Psychologically, it is the opposite of circumcision. It pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.”

So yes, it was We Jews who “Jewish-ized “Seltser” in the U.S. in the late 1800s, giving it the Yiddish name “seltzer” or “two cents plain” which became the title of Harry Golden’s 1958 book on growing up poor in the early 1900s. The entire Lower East Side was “addicted to seltzer,” wrote Golden. At least 73 soda fountains could be found in a one-third square mile area by 1900.

And we believed those sharp bubblies alone saved us from everything from shmaltz-induced acid reflux to Zayde’s prune juice stain on the carpet. After all, the Madison Avenue folks decided to call it Alka-Seltzer for a reason.

Source: Excerpt from an article written by Marnie Winston-Macauley

Conversation Posted at 10/17/21 1:40 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: See credit, Useless Info



THE SUBURBS


By Tony Gladstone

While in to bed the other night, trying to fall asleep, I distinctly heard noises coming from my garage. When I looked out the window, I saw 3 guys stealing things.

I called the police but was told there were no officers in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

Police helmet

I hung up, but i was pissed off. Three minutes later I rang them again. “Hello,” I said, “I called you a couple of minutes ago because there were some burglars in my garage. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in and around my driveway, plus a helicopter hovering overhead, and an K-9 team, backed up by an armed response unit.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there were no officers available.


My comment: Whether true or not…it’s a helluva good story.

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TEN FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO LOST IT ALL

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1. Benedict Arnold
Benedict Arnold fought on the American side of the Revolutionary War but didn’t get the attention he felt he deserved so he switched to the British side. He went bankrupt after the war when a failed financial venture caused him to lose everything.

2. P.T. Barnum

P.T. Barnum is best known for being half of the “Barnum & Bailey Circus” but he actually didn’t get into that until he was 61-years-old. He first opened a museum in New York City showcasing nature’s oddities like Tom Thumb who was only 2 feet 9 inches tall. He also put a bunch of dough into the development of East Bridgeport, Connecticut and went bankrupt when that didn’t work out. He bounced back in four years and got into the circus business.

3. Kim Basinger
Kim Basinger had to file for bankruptcy in 1993 when a judge ordered the actress to pay Main Line Pictures $8.1 million because she had backed out of a verbal commitment to star in the film Boxing Helena. She had to sell her $20 million investment in Braselton, in her native Georgia and only received $1 million for it. She later appealed the ruling, reached an out-of-court settlement and went on to her well-known role in L.A. Confidential a few years later.

4. Ed McMahon

Friends attributed his financial downfall to a convergence of bad breaks and character flaws…booze +broads + blunders = bankruptcy.

5. John Wayne Bobbitt

John Wayne Bobbitt is best known for having his penis sliced off by his angry wife in 1993. Luckily, after a 12-hour surgery his penis was sewed back on but Bobbitt couldn’t handle the mounting doctors bills and had to declare bankruptcy. He made a come back by getting into porn but he can’t seem to stay out of trouble. (He’s been arrested more than seven times for offenses ranging from assault to grand larceny.)

6. Lorraine Bracco

Lorraine Bracco played the mob-psychiatrist Dr. Jennifer Melfi in the HBO hit The Sopranos. The popularity of the show helped her dig herself out of debt after she filed for bankruptcy in 1999. Bracco found herself in a five-year legal battle with ex-Harvey Keitel over custody of their daughter Stella. The legal fees and taxes were substantial and the cause for her bankruptcy.

7. Toni Braxton

Toni Braxton sold over 15 million albums in the years leading up to her 1998 filing for bankruptcy and some believe she filed so she could get out of her recording contract with record label LaFace. When she filed, Braxton was $3.9 million in debt and all of her household possessions, including the two Grammys she was awarded in 1997 were priced to sell so she could pay off her creditors. Despite her conflict with her label, she signed a new contract in 1999 worth $25 million with them.

8. Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce loved to shock audiences as a comedian and was constantly in trouble on obscenity charges. He was blacklisted from nearly every comedy club in the United States near the end of his life but it was the trial in 1961, in which he was in trouble for saying “c——–er”, that caused him to go bankrupt. He ended up dying at age 40 from a morphine overdose and in 2007, was granted a posthumous pardon for his obscenity conviction by New York Governor George Pataki. Bruce would be blown away by what people can get away with today.

9. Buffalo Bill

Buffalo Bill organized his “Wild West Show” in the late 1800’s and went on to become quite wealthy. Even though he made millions touring the country, he was also very generous and gave away so much money that he had to file for bankruptcy in 1914. He died bankrupt in 1917 and was buried on Lookout Mountain.

10. Francis Ford Coppola

Responsible for directing the Godfather trilogy and winner of five Academy Awards before he was 40, Francis Ford Coppola was $300,000 in debt before the first Godfather movie came out. He then was able to rebound, but began bankruptcy proceedings after his 1982 musical One From The Heart, tanked. Luckily, he borrowed the money from his mother to get into the wine business and again turned his financial future around.

Source: To read full article with pictures…Click here – Famous bankrupt people

Conversation Posted at 10/16/21 4:17 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Finance, Trivia



MOM SNEEZES ~ SMART LITTLE TODDLER DOES A 180 TURN ~ HE DOESN’T WANT ANY PART OF THE VIRUS

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JEWISH PROVERB & A SHORT JOKE

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“A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”
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A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Irv” and Max are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old Rabbi answers, “Irv will marry you, Max will be the lucky one.”
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Conversation Posted at 10/15/21 4:57 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Thoughts to Ponder



GIVING HER HUBBY A GENTLE HINT

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I HATE EVERYONE ~ by the late JOAN (“Potty Mouth”) RIVERS

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I hate Chinese names because I can’t figure out which is the first name and which is the last name, and quite frankly, neither can the Chinese. Is it Dong Ding Ding or Ding Dong Ding or Ding Ding Dong… or are they all really just Avon ladies? I’m afraid to get Chinese names wrong because they’re a very proud people and instead of calling someone by their name I might accidentally be ordering sub gum duck. (And by “proud” I mean inherently angry and frequently armed with small explosives.)

I hate that there are 800 trillion people in Russia and they only have seven names to work with…Alexi, Sergei, Vladimir, Nicolai, Boris, Viktor and Mikhail. If you think I’m wrong try and name thirty Russians who are not named that. Yes, yes, every now and then you’ll find a Leonid or Ruslan, but those are novelty names; they’re the Lashonda and Laquisha of Russia. And by the way, I say “Russia,” not “the former Soviet Union.” Who am I, Tom fucking Brokaw?

Source: Page 173 from “I hate Everyone Starting With Me” by Joan Rivers. The book is peeing-in-your-pants funny. I laughed my way through it!

Conversation Posted at 10/15/21 3:44 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



HELL YES! I WAS EMBARRASSED ~ I STILL REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY

By Harvey Tobkes

I was more than embarrassed…it all happened back when I was in second grade. I remember it clearly, all six grades were in the school auditorium singing “America The Beautiful,” when a teacher tapped me on the shoulder and in a stern voice said to me, “Harvey, do not sing.”

I guess I was a little out of tune that day.”

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Conversation Posted at 10/15/21 2:15 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Embarassing Moments



TACTFUL IN ALASKA

Husky

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DON’T DOUBT THAT THIS COULD HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Thanks for sending go to Sammy Klein of Lake Forest, California.

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Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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