When my business partner embezzled all the money. They said, I was lucky, I still had my health, and so it could have been worse.

When I was held up at gun point by a wild eyed man who had a killer’s look in his eye, they said, Wow! You’re so lucky, he only took your wallet and he didn’t shoot you. You know, it could have been worse.

When we came home from a vacation and found there was an odor of smoke in the house. We asked our 3 kids what was that smell? They told us the lady who we hired to watch them (we paid her and she left in a hurry) was smoking in bed and the mattress caught fire. When we examined the bed it was all newly made up, but the mattress had a huge burn hole in it and some coffee stains. I guess she used the coffee as a fire extinguisher. O.K. you guessed it; my friends all said I was a lucky guy; the children were safe and sound and all I had to do to solve the problem was to buy a new mattress. So it could have been worse.

I ask you, why does this all happen to me? Yeah, I know, I’m just lucky.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road … and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
‘Dam!’

23.The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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“This telephone has too many shortcomings to be considered as a means of communication,” said the president of Western Union in 1876. “The device is of inherently no value to us.”

The president of Michigan Savings Banks advised Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Co. because, he said, “The horse is here to stay, the automobile is a novelty.

In 1929, Yale economist Irving Fisher said, “Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” Two weeks later, the stock market crashed.

Darryl Zanuck observed, in 1946, “Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”