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A HOLLYWOOD FUNERAL

By Harvey Tobkes

I attended a dear friend’s funeral recently, so I guess I am in a sort of a strange mood lately, though I am not depressed in any way.

Funeral vehicle

The officiating rabbi was a guy they must have gotten from Hollywood casting. He was very tall and well built, with a George Hamilton deep suntan and was really handsome. He was decked out in heavenly white vestments and perched on his head was an unusual gold yarmulke. It was shaped like a pot used to boil eggs and ornately decorated with red braid. Only a movie costume designer could have created this guy’s image.

Everything was theatrical, including the finale. I expected blonde teen-age harpists in mini togas to be strumming Hava Nagila, but I guess they decided to leave that out. Probably cost an additional $2000 anyway.

But this part I liked! The Rabbi passed out sacred earth from Israel in commercial type small plastic bags. He gave me one, so I was able to read the inscription attesting that the contents were genuine, and not from Central Park, but the disclaimer was written in small Hebrew letters, so who knows? After a lengthy prayer, he suggested that the people holding the packets come forward and sprinkle the earth on the descending coffin as a last tribute of love.

Tombstone in a cemetery

A blue butterflyThen for a grand finale, you’re not going to believe this, he passed out specially made envelopes holding live butterflies, (no doubt purchased from Butterfly World) and on the rabbi’s command of “FLY” we simultaneously released them. What a sight! What an ending to a funeral! Spielberg could not have directed it any better.

A dark butterfly

If they ever decide to make a movie scene based on this funeral, I can just hear the dialogue in my head.

In the Hollywood Version, one mourner turns to her friend and whispers, “That was one of the most poignant and cherished moments of my life that will always remain in my heart. It was a message of hope, of new life and the knowledge of how precious life really is, all metamorphisized right before our very eyes!”

An orange butterfly

Steven Spielberg, eat your heart out!

Conversation Posted at 11/30/22 4:57 | Comments Off on A HOLLYWOOD FUNERAL | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Inspirational



POTTY MOUTH PEOPLE

CURSING…What the heck is going on out there? Foul language is no longer limited to moments of anger or frustration. Now we curse and swear just for the heck of it.

Excerpt from an article written by By LORI PRICE, for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Foul language is no longer limited to moments of anger or frustration in our relaxed culture, linguists and other observers of language say. Now we curse and swear just for the heck of it.

Pink commode And that, some of those experts say, is making some people so oblivious to cussing that they don’t realize they may be offending those around them. “I cuss in general,” said Percy Walker, 29, a barber. He uses the word that starts with “bull” the most. “Being in a barbershop, somebody is always telling a story about something unbelievable, so that’s something you say when you know something’s not the truth,” he said.

“Young people, for example, are more likely to use the f-bomb in friendly context as opposed to cursing someone out,” said Donna Jo Napoli, a professor of linguistics at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania. Such flippant swearing may make it seem as if more people are cursing. A range of TV shows, from the premium cable drama The Sopranos to the network sitcom Will & Grace, include profanity in their scripts. The worst I ever heard was on the TV series, “Deadwood.” Swearing is almost expected in pop music, especially rap.

”There are many good words in our language that are disappearing because we use the swear words instead.”


Conversation Posted at 10/19/22 4:08 | Comments Off on POTTY MOUTH PEOPLE | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: I Like This One



WARNING TO WOMEN — ARTICLE CONTAINS XXX LANGUAGE

—-

Please excuse the rough language in the following story… I would have deleted the offensive words, but the story wouldn’t be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well”, said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?”

Oh mama”, she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic” …Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah”, her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama, … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook …”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

Conversation Posted at 10/19/22 3:41 | Comments Off on WARNING TO WOMEN — ARTICLE CONTAINS XXX LANGUAGE | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



CARTOON

Conversation Posted at 10/19/22 3:03 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons



BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ~ MOVIE STARS OF A BYGONE ERA

Conversation Posted at 10/19/22 2:27 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, Video YouTube



THERE ARE NO GAYS IN IRAN

By Harvey Tobkes

In his appearance at Columbia University and his interview on 60 Minutes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared, among other lies and evasions, “We don’t have homosexuals, like in your country.”

———This is, of course, a categorical lie.————

It is well known that Gay men in Iran are allowed medical dispensations from mandatory military service, for example, and the country’s secret police constantly monitor gay activities through Internet chat rooms and other electronic means.

According to Iranian law, consensual gay sex in any form is punishable by death. Violators reportedly are given a choice of four methods of execution: hanging, stoning, halving by sword, or being dropped from the highest perch.
——————————Photobucket—————————-
And this guy, Ahmadinejad, wants nuclear power for peaceful purposes? Give me a break!

Source: FOXNews.com – Iran Does Far Worse Than Ignore Gays, Critics Say – International News | News of the World | Middle East News | Europe News

Conversation Posted at 10/19/22 2:13 | Comments Off on THERE ARE NO GAYS IN IRAN | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Author: Harvey Tobkes, Famous People, Interview



NOUVEAU RICHE

—————————————-

A Jewish couple living in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in ritzy Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes!”

Conversation Posted at 10/16/22 3:19 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



AN OLD JOKE – STILL GOOD FOR A LAUGH

——–hello——

An old widow was home alone. Nobody ever called her and she had no family. She was watching TV when the phone rang. She races to the phone, anxious to speak to anyone.

She picks it up and cheerily says…Hellloooo! She hears a male caller speaking in an intimidating voice that talks low, and almost in a whisper; using the most obscene language the caller proceeds to describe all the filthy perverse things she wants him to do to her and how much she craves it and will enjoy it. He stops talking for a moment. She says…”you know all this already just from HELLO!”

Conversation Posted at 10/11/22 4:17 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



LADIES UNDERWEAR IN A BYGONE ERA

Conversation Posted at 10/11/22 3:59 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General, Video YouTube



DIRTY JOKE AS TOLD BY “ELI THE ACCOUNTANT”

To browse all articles go to >>> http://tobkes.othellomaster.com/

Conversation Posted at 10/11/22 3:11 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke, Video YouTube



EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY – START YOUR DIET TOMORROW

——————————

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

But, but, but...

5. KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at 88

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at age of 102

8. Inventor of opium died at 116 in an earthquake

9. Hennessey inventor dies at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, Stay cool, eat, drink, and enjoy your life. You can start your diet tomorrow.

Conversation Posted at 10/11/22 2:28 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



ZORBA ~ “TEACH ME TO DANCE” SCENE

Conversation Posted at 10/07/22 5:34 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: DANCE VIDEO, Video YouTube



ALL ABOUT HOW QATAR GOT TO BE THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

Conversation Posted at 10/07/22 4:03 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Informational, Video YouTube



MASKS OF A DIFFERENT KIND BUT WE STILL WEAR THEM

Masks


By Harvey Tobkes

“All the world is a stage. And all the men and women merely players.” A brilliant line, from As You Like It, written by William Shakespeare. To say it another way, we all wear masks to conceal or modify our true selves and our inner feelings.

As we interact with one another in a civilized society we put on our “pretend” faces, and in this way we can control emotions that sometimes have us raging inside and smiling outside.

In certain situations we must cloak our feelings . For example, when dealing with your boss, your wife, a client, or police officer; you many times disguise what you are really thinking in order to survive in this world.

Trouble and problems arise when people wear a mask when they do not have to. At times, we wear too many masks. The weak man wears a mask of stoicism that covers up feelings of being overly sensitive. The vain woman wears a mask of indifference to cover up her desire to be liked. The man who fails his family as a provider may become a braggart, boring people with tales of his success. A woman who is desperate to marry pretends that she has no such intentions.

Sometimes masks will protect you from hurtful things that are said and done, but they also isolate you from contact with good people who appreciate fundamental honesty, a trait that is rapidly disappearing.

In a good friendship or good marriage, you and your friend or wife will know each other “unmasked,”and will be loyal to each other’s interests.

Conversation Posted at 10/07/22 3:52 | Comments Off on MASKS OF A DIFFERENT KIND BUT WE STILL WEAR THEM | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Think About It!



LAKE COMO, ITALY ~ WITH BEAUTIFUL BACKGROUND MUSIC

Conversation Posted at 10/07/22 3:00 | View/add comments (8) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, Music



DEAREST WIFEY, ANITA

‘ ————————————-————————————

By Hubby Harv

We have a very safe household…but you never know and accidents are always happening. So, please do me a favor; call Amazon to see if they sell a foam floor covering for our tile floors.

Yes, the following is all true, but let’s stay safe, as you can never have too much protection. Both bathrooms now have more grip bars than Walmart, and both toilets are raised with nice handles at the sides so it’s easy to rise from the throne. We have metal Hurricane shutters on our terrace, wooden hurricane shutters on all windows, more flashlights than the Hallandale Police Dep’t. We have lots of spare stuff to use if there is a power outage; as an example, we have so many spare batteries, I could open a battery outlet store. We bought motion activated night lights for every room, there are water leak detectors in both bathrooms, under the kitchen sink and in the A/C closet. Of course, there are smoke alarms in all room except bathrooms, I wear a Medical Alert 24/7, there are surge detectors on outlets with heavy use to protect our computer devices from any lightning strikes. Our refrigerator has an alarm which blasts off if the door is ajar…the beeping warns and protects against food spoilage. We have 2 walkers and a spare third in case one breaks down(ha ha) and a wheel chair, which thankfully, neither one of us is ready to use…yet, We have an exercise machine to keep fit and our weight under control, which we never use except to hang our clothes, but it is convenient.

You have broken bones in both knees, ankles, elbow, clavicle and those are just the ones I remember. Me? You know I have bad balance and have more falls than Niagara but luckily I have never gotten more than a bruise or two. Thinking about falls, we are lucky to have our good neighbor neighbor Stan Serwatka on standby to help come to our rescue; by now he’s getting really good at that job by practicing on us. He’s so good the EMS Paramedics could take lessons from him.

Don’t forget to call Amazon! (ha ha).

To browse all articles >>> harveytobkes.com

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Conversation Posted at 10/03/22 7:24 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



PASSING THE TORCH

The article below was written several years ago but it is still appropriate, especially so as I keep advancing in age.


By Harvey Tobkes

My birthday is coming up later next month, and as usual, my family will be getting together to celebrate the occasion at a fine restaurant.

I love birthdays. I get presents I don’t really need, I get to blow out the candles, I even get the first cut of the cake and I love the way my 3 children patronize me as if I’m senile.

I guess there comes a time in one’s life when the children and parents reverse roles. They tell you what is good for you, and you accept it, and once you reach that point there no turning back. In my brood, Andrew is a gastroenterologist, Scott is a chiropractor, and my daughter, Julie, was a surgical nurse for many years. So maybe they are accustomed to telling others what to do.

Grandpa plays with blocksThe first sign of change, in my case, happened at a restaurant where we all met for dinner.
They, my adult children, were having a conversation and talking as if I were not there. “He looks pretty good for his age,” Andy remarked, “although I wish he would cut back on his walking. two miles a day is too much.” Scott said, “I tried to get him to try swimming but he said he’d rather walk.” My daughter asked, “Do you think he would like a little of my fish?”

You might excuse the rude behavior by saying I do not hear very well, (O.K. I admit my hearing is lousy) in a group situation. But I learned how to deal with people speaking indistinctly; when they try making eye contact, I just smile my Forrest Gump smile. I also noticed they spoke to me in a mild shout, and spoke slowly, as you would to the Village Idiot. “Would -you- like-another-drink–dad?” I nodded no, just to make a little conversation.

All of this is no problem for me because I recognize it all as a normal progression in life.

I admit. I’m am ready to pass the family torch to whoever (or whomever, I think they’re both correct) will carry it.

Conversation Posted at 09/29/22 4:43 | Comments Off on PASSING THE TORCH | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Humor



FROM THE HEART

When you judge your worth or success by the number of tasks you complete, you set yourself up for some victories and lots of frustration. Like the Greek mythological character, Sisyphus, you will eternally roll a big rock to the top of a hill, only to have it fall back on you, to start again.

Certainly goals and projects give our life meaning and purpose; choosing and achieving a valued goal liberates energy and reward. You will never be satisfied not doing something, so you are wise to choose goals you believe in. Just be sure that the process of completing them lifts your spirit rather than crushes it, and your soul is intact when you cross the finish line.

The name of the game is happiness, so don’t leave home without it.

Conversation Posted at 09/29/22 4:07 | Comments Off on FROM THE HEART | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Thoughts to Ponder



FAMILY HURRICANE CASUALTY

…..Or the Story of the One Armed Chiropractor

Scott Tobkes in whitesIt happened yesterday while preparing for hurricane Ian that was was scheduled to hit us, my son Scott, the chiropractor, was attempting to install his hurricane shutters. He was doing a fine job, and then he needed to get up a little higher, so he climbed to that top step of the ladder (no rails to hang on to up there) and he toppled to the ground and broke his right forearm. He will be O.K. after a 4 week recuperation period. Incredibly, he is in an upbeat frame of mind. Some of his patients are going to be without their doctor, and that may hurt them, but it also hurts Scott (mainly in the wallet).

Scott’s wife Betty told us of the problems he is having. He has a plaster cast on his right forearm and that poses some difficulties. It seems that after a meal, a piece of food lodged between his teeth and was terribly annoying. Well, you can’t floss with one hand, so Betty and little Rachelle took turns playing dentist and trying to dislodge the debris, but they had no success. After a few unsuccessful attempts they realized they were working on the wrong tooth; only then were they were able to give the poor guy a little comfort and relief.

As for me, don’t worry! I was born clumsy and have unstable balance and ladders make me dizzy, so the only thing I’m climbing… is into my bed.

Davie Chiropractic Center

Conversation Posted at 09/29/22 4:04 | Comments Off on FAMILY HURRICANE CASUALTY | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories



CAVEAT EMPTOR

——————————

By Harvey Tobkes

Television commercials are made for dummies.
And the worst offenders are the Infomercials:– Lose 30 pounds in 30 days. – Want abs that will make you irresistible, you need our dynamic body machine. —Facial cream makes you look years younger. — Coat your roof with our amazing spray and stop the leaks. — I’m sure you’ve seen them all!

Pharmaceutical companies all seem to be on that same track. First they show you a person or a couple leading a wonderful life, presumably because they used the advertised medication. Then they speed talk a list of side-effects that are so horrendous you want to cover your ears, and finally end with the cliché…”Ask your doctor if ‘Curitall’ is right for you.”

Auto dealers spouting lease payments run a close second; the monthly payments are the teaser (low…and oh so tempting!). What you cannot hear, is that the offering is for a basic model with a text disclaimer at the bottom of the TV screen that appears for a nanosecond in a print size you couldn’t read with the Hubble Telescope; it lists a dozen charges for huge up-front money requirements.

How could all those suckers have bitten on reverse mortgage teaser loan ads? It only takes half a brain to know if it’s too good to be true…forget it. So now we have…”If you are over 62, get a bundle of cash, no mortgage payments, live in your own home.” Better have a sharp lawyer check that out. Home loans are the most egregious examples of deceptive advertising.

So, why don’t our lawmakers clamp down on these predators? Two reasons, LOBBYI$T$ …or maybe because those same lawmakers are getting the straight deal without the disclaimer as a reward for their forbearance.

Conversation Posted at 09/29/22 3:27 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Just My Opinion, Thoughts to Ponder



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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