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WHEN ART & ENGINEERING COMBINE THEIR SKILLS ON A PROJECT

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Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 1:52 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



“HELLO, SUPPORT LINE? I NEED HELP!” DID THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?

Girl speaks on phoneElectronic voice:

Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. To get you the help you need as fast as possible, we need to know the reason you called. Please say one of the following key words:
1. “WEASEL” if you thought we wouldn’t answer your call
2. “BORED” if you are are stuck in traffic and have time to waste but none of your friends really want to talk to you.
3.“CONFUSED” Need help with our ‘easy assemble it yourself instructions”
6. “WHOOPS” if you have the wrong number.

To serve you faster and better we have eliminated numbers 4 and 5.

You, the human:
I would like to talk to a human, a warm blooded human! (You are a bit angry)

Girl speaks on phoneElectronic voice:
In a clear voice please state the reason for your call.

You, the human:
(Now you are bit pissed).
What I said was… I —WOULD—LIKE —TO —TALK —TO —A HU —MAN. IT’S IM —-POR —-TANT.

Girl speaks on phoneElectronic voice:
In clear voice please state the reason for your call.

You, the human:
“Have a nice day!”
Then you slam down the phone and pour a Jack Daniels into an oversized glass.

Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 0:58 | Comments Off on “HELLO, SUPPORT LINE? I NEED HELP!” DID THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU? | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



AMAZING BI-LINGUAL DOG WILL TEACH YOU TO SPEAK YIDDISH ~ WORD FOR TODAY IS “TSURIS”

—————–

Noun. Definition of TSURIS
1. Troubles
2. worries,
3. woes

You went to Europe for ten days and chose this fershtunker Camp Canine thinking I would enjoy this fancy shmancy place.

Sorry to disappoint you guys but I hate this camp. I’ve got TSURIS in a big way! The food is so bad even a cat wouldn’t like it, let alone a dog.The mutt in the kennel next to mine barks all night. He’s so lonesome for his human mamma.

And on top of it all they make me exercise twice a day. Oy Vey! I can’t wait till you guys get back. I promise I won’t complain if you want me perform tricks for your guests to show how smart I am, and I swear not to yelp when little Bobby pulls my tail.

Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 0:55 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Animals, Useless Info



GORILLA NEEDS A LOVER

Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 0:50 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



FINALLY, HOW TO HAVE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE FED UP WITH… WIPE THEMSELVES OUT

Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 0:45 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons



SAYINGS OF CONFUCIUS – VERY WISE CHINESE MAN

————————Confucius_md————–

A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in,
you take it out, and you lose interest.

It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.

Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left

Conversation Posted at 11/30/21 0:30 | Comments Off on SAYINGS OF CONFUCIUS – VERY WISE CHINESE MAN | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Common Sense, Great Quotes



RARE ZEBRA FOUND IN ISRAEL – HOW HE GOT HIS HANUKKAH MENORA STRIPES IS A MYSTERY

Hannukah Zebra

Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 5:01 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



HANUKKAH IN SANTA MONICA

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Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 4:44 | Comments Off on HANUKKAH IN SANTA MONICA | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Video YouTube



UPDATED MIRACLE

Photobucket

Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 1:49 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons



DIFFICULT QUESTION

By Harvey Tobkes

Question from a dear friend:

Why is it that we change our desktop image every once in a while? Why is it that people find less appeal in their partners as time goes on?

My Answer:

Idea

You are asking me to explain the workings of man’s inner brain. I am afraid that it will remain a mystery for all time akin to the question, “what happens after death?”

But I found this little article which somewhat addresses the problem of boredom:

Seeing-eye

Imagine losing your eyesight for a year, and then suddenly regaining it. The joy is boundless. Every “sight” becomes a point of focus and fascination.

People usually get tired of life when their ideas become fixed. Whatever your age, occupation, or station in life, be fascinated with learning. When we become used to something, we tend to overlook its intrinsic beauty. It loses its glisten and sparkle.

Don’t assume that your viewpoint is the only way. You may have heard an idea a thousand times before, but then someone presents it from a slightly different angle, and you say, “That’s amazing… I never thought of that before!” Listen to every concept as if hearing it for the first time. You’ll be surprised at the deeper levels yet to discover.

Author Unknown

Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 0:47 | Comments Off on DIFFICULT QUESTION | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Thoughts to Ponder



THIS LAND IS MY LAND

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A viewer’s guide…because it’s hard to tell who’s killing who without a “Pogrom.” Haha!

Early Man
This generic “cave man” represents the first human settlers in Israel/Canaan/the Levant. Whoever they were.

Canaanite
What did ancient Canaanites look like? I don’t know, so this is based on ancient Sumerian art.

Egyptian
Canaan was located between two huge empires. Egypt controlled it sometimes, and…

Assyrian
….Assyria controlled it other times.

Israelite
The “Children of Israel” conquered the shit out of the region, according to bloody and violent Old Testament accounts.

Babylonian
Then the Baylonians destroyed their temple and took the Hebrews into exile.

Macedonian/Greek
Here comes Alexander the Great, conquering everything!

Greek/Macedonian
No sooner did Alexander conquer everything, than his generals divided it up and fought with each other.

Ptolemaic
Greek descendants of Ptolemy, another of Alexander’s competing generals, ruled Egypt dressed like Egyptian god-kings. (The famous Cleopatra of western mythology and Hollywood was a Ptolemy.)

Seleucid
More Greek-Macedonian legacies of Alexander.

Hebrew Priest
This guy didn’t fight, he just ran the Second Temple re-established by Hebrews in Jerusalem after the Babylonian Exile.

Maccabee
Led by Judah “The Hammer” Maccabee, who fought the Seleucids, saved the Temple, and invented Channukah. Until…

Roman
….the Romans destroyed the Second Temple and absorbed the region into the Roman Empire…

Byzantine
….which split into Eastern and Western Empires. The eastern part was called the Byzantine Empire. I don’t know if “Romans” ever fought “Byzantines” (Eastern Romans) but this is a cartoon.

Arab Caliph
Speaking of cartoon, what did an Arab Caliph look like? This was my best guess.

Crusader
After Crusaders went a-killin’ in the name of Jesus Christ, they established Crusader states, most notably the Kingdom of Jerusalem.

Mamluk of Egypt
Wikipedia sez, “Over time, mamluks became a powerful military caste in various Muslim societies…In places such as Egypt from the Ayyubid dynasty to the time of Muhammad Ali of Egypt, mamluks were considered to be “true lords”, with social status above freeborn Muslims.[7]” And apparently they controlled Palestine for a while.

Ottoman Turk
Did I mention this is a cartoon? Probably no one went to battle looking like this. But big turbans, rich clothing and jewelry seemed to be in vogue among Ottoman Turkish elites, according to paintings I found on the Internet.

Arab
A gross generalization of a generic 19-century “Arab”.

British
The British formed alliances with Arabs, then occupied Palestine. This cartoon is an oversimplification, and uses this British caricature as a stand-in for Europeans in general.

Palestinian
The British occupied this guy’s land, only to leave it to a vast influx of….

European Jew/Zionist
Desperate and traumatized survivors of European pogroms and death camps, Jewish Zionist settlers were ready to fight to the death for a place to call home, but…

PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
….so were the people that lived there. Various militarized resistance movements arose in response to Israel: The Palestinian Liberation Organization, Hamas, and Hezbollah.

Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist State of Israel
Backed by “the West,” especially the US, they got lots of weapons and the only sanctioned nukes in the region.

Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/Terrorist
Sometimes people fight in military uniforms, sometimes they don’t. Creeping up alongside are illicit nukes possibly from Iran or elsewhere in the region. Who’s Next?

And finally…The Angel of Death

The real hero of the Old Testament and the only winner up to now.

Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 0:42 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Video YouTube



CARTOON

Conversation Posted at 11/29/21 0:03 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons



MAYBE HE HAD A VERY SMALL PISTOL

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Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 1:20 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



WOW! I AM PACKING MY BAGS

Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 1:09 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Travel, Video YouTube



LOST AND FOUND

Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 1:08 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



I DID NOT MAKE THIS “UP”

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now ……..my time is UP, so time to shut UP!

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P

Oh! One more thing…don’t screw UP and always be on the UP and UP.

Now I’ll shut UP.

Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 1:07 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: e-mail from a friend



MEETING OF DRUG COMPANY EXECS WHO TOOK THEIR OWN PILLS

Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 1:06 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons, Health



PICK-UP LINES THAT WORK

——————Photobucket——————
They’re the worst pick-up lines… and yet, these seemingly awful come-ons actually managed to charm women. It just goes to show you, romance is always full of surprises. Read on and pick up an idea or two, guys.

1. The corny-but-cute hello:
“This guy who was so not my style came over to me and my friends and asked: ‘Do you happen to know how much a polar bear weighs?’ We said ‘no’ and kept walking, and then he said, ‘Well, it’s enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m Brian.’ We all cracked up and kept talking to him.”
— Charity, 29, Cincinnati, OH

2. The line with artistic flair:
“I was shooting pool with friends, and some guys offered us a friendly challenge. Midway through the game, one of them looked at me and said, ‘Do you remember Crayola crayons? Well, they used to have this color called Blizzard Blue. It was my favorite color, and your eyes are actually Blizzard Blue.’ I thought it was so cute! He had me right there.”
— Erica, 21, Brunswick, OH

3. The overly confident come-on:
“I was at an office party when a guest of a coworker introduced himself and said, ‘Blueberries or strawberries?’ Confused, I asked what he meant, and he replied, ‘I just want to know what kind of pancakes to make you in the morning.’ He said it with such a straight face that it was like a scene in a funny movie. I didn’t eat breakfast with him, but I did give him my number.”
— Jan, 33, Cleveland, OH
Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!

4. The nonsensical approach:
“This random guy came up to me at a party, looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘Baby, you’re sexier than socks on a rooster.’ I had absolutely no idea what he meant, but I thought it was funny and I liked how unusual it was. It got us talking, trying to figure out what that line meant!”
— Holly, 19, Milford, OH

5. The mom-approved intro:
“I was at a local bar one night, and this guy sat next to me and said, ‘Would it freak you out if I said that I’ve already told my mother about you?’ I said, ‘No, why?’ Then he told me that he’d actually stepped outside, called his mother and asked her how to approach me. I thought it was adorable that he was a mama’s boy.”
— Michelle, 25, Erie, PA

Matt Christensen has written for Maxim and The Cleveland Plain Dealer. The best line he’s ever used was, “Hey, if I kiss you, will I get slapped?” He did kiss the girl in question, but he didn’t suffer for it afterward.

Conversation Posted at 11/28/21 0:19 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



SOME OF THE JEWS THAT GAINED FAME AND FORTUNE IN THE WORLD

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Conversation Posted at 11/27/21 7:04 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Informational, Video YouTube



NAKED FIREMAN

Conversation Posted at 11/27/21 5:44 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: PHOTOS, Spoof



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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