Dear Barack:

Let me start by telling you how much I sympathize with you and the problems you’ve been having with your spiritual advisors.

You can’t seem to get a break. You had close ties with Reverend Jeremiah Wright for 20 years. He married you and your wife, baptized your children. How were you to know he is a racist and is as nutty as a fruitcake? It was a tormenting decision, but you finally left the church to get rid of that problem.

But that brings me to another problem: You cannot be a man without a religion and still get elected to be President of the United States. Here’s where my latest great idea comes in.

Barack Obama, I want you to convert to Judaism.

It’s my stroke of political genius. Millions of people will volunteer just to do your circumcision.


Barack Obama a Jew. Yes! and I assure you, as spiritual advisors, Rabbis are cool, and don’t worry, I promise that you will not lose a single vote because of your conversion.

This move will make you the next President of the United States.

Barack, you convert to Judaism and I promise the state of Florida will be in the palm of your hands. I can just hear the conversation taking place in the “My Children Never Visit Me” retirement home in Boca Raton, Florida. A conversation might sound like this:

Sara: — Max, I ask you, do we have to vote for this guy?
Max: — Of course we have to vote for him. He’s Jewish!

Barack, here’s how we make the most of your conversion. The first thing we do is to is plan your Bar Mitzvah.


Barack, I can just hear you say in those mellifluous tones, “Today I am a man.”

Then comes the candle lighting ceremony and there won’t be a dry eye in the country. Then the speech that you knock out of the park. You announce…all the gifts you’ve received from proud followers worldwide, are being donated to the poor. Then as a grand finale, you announce your Vice President will be Michael Bloomberg.

But you’re not finished yet. You need a symbol to celebrate that you’re the first black Jewish President in history. What will it be? This will tug at their heart-strings…An eye patch.

Yes, Barack, I said an eye patch, a dashing symbolic eye patch that will conjure up memories of Moshe Dayan, but you’ll wear it in tribute to Sammy Davis Jr., that talented one-eyed, black, Jewish man with an eye patch who wrote a book called “Yes I Can.”

You, Barack Obama, a talented black Jewish man whose slogan is “Yes We Can,” will wear an eye-patch (On your left eye or right eye, that’s optional) for the rest of a winning campaign.

God Bless America.

Yours truly,

A Farbissener Embittered Person

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