Charlies Pool Room Mealies

By Harvey Tobkes

The Greater New York Rabbinical Society held an emergency session this morning to decide a just and fitting punishment for Bernard Madoff. If you don’t know who he is or what he did you must be living on a another planet.

Anyway, in a decree the council offered a two-stage retribution that would satisfy the victims and bring closure and justice to a horrendous crime.

The following is a summary of the two-tiered plan, which was read to the assembly by chief Rabbi, Izzy Wise.

Tier One: Madoff, as a co-religionist, deserves re-circumcision, but this time, the Mohel (the guy that does the snipping) will cut off the whole schmeckle (Yiddish for pecker) and the testicles as well. As in all circumcisions, no anesthetic will be administered. The ritual of dabbing a little wine on a baby’s lips to dull the pain, shall be changed…the Mohel is instructed to dab a little alcohol where it will hurt the most.

Tier Two: Some of our members thought this part a little extreme but after a slight concession they finally yielded to pressure. The detached member from Madoff shall be placed on a frankfurter roll (the concession was to add some mustard, pickle and sauerkraut) and then to serve it to Bernie as his last meal.

A last minute suggestion was easily ratified when it was suggested that a C.D. video of the event from start to finish should be mailed, free of charge to all the victims.

In an opinion poll most people agreed the plan was very good…for starters.

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