1. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

2. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food….. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

3. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

4. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

6. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

7. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

10. A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

11. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

12. My wife is so fat she has more Chins than a Chinese phone book.

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