STICKUP MAN NEEDS LESSONS

An excerpt from an article
By Humorist Dave Barry

While the shoppers were collecting clues, the drama shifted outside to the suddenly dangerous streets of Rib Mountain, where Robert “B.J.” Coe was leaving his job at Wausau Motorsports.
“He came running toward me with this sword asking for my keys,” Coe told the Daily Herald. “It was like one of them three-quarter-length samurai swords, and the odd thing was, the end was bent.”

Again, it was a situation that called for quick thinking; again, the citizen made a lightning mental calculation.

“I said to myself, ‘It’s insured,'” Coe said.

So he dropped his keys, ran inside and called 911. Within minutes, the police apprehended the suspect, identified as Edward Pollard II, age 21. According to the police report: “Pollard said he had watched several movies where armed robberies were committed, looking for techniques on how to do the robbery. Pollard decided to use the scary, threatening approach, but to not use obscenities.”

But even this masterful, obscenity-free criminal plan, based on actual movies, was no match for the brave and quick-thinking citizens of the Rib Mountain area. As Marathon County Sheriff Gary Marten told the Daily Herald: “Without all those people helping us, it wouldn’t have been so quickly successful.”

Speaking of movies: If Hollywood doesn’t take this drama and turn it into a major motion picture starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts, with Britney Spears as the cashier, then Hollywood is even stupider than I thought. Because this is a story to inspire all of us… to make us realize that, when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope. At least that’s how I see it. I have GOT to adjust these dosages.

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