The excerpt below is from the hysterical book by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, The Two thousand Year Old Man In The Year 2000. I am sure most of you are familiar with Carl’s interview and questions put to the Two-thousand-Year-Old Man.


Not Such A Top Doctor

In the early days, (2000 years ago) people suffered with the same physical pain as they do today. Some groaned, some went, Whooooo! Some went Haaaaaa! Others went Ha-chi-chi! Ha-chi-chi! Some screamed, “I don’t need it, don’t want it, but oy, here it comes again! Ahhhh!”

Everyone had a different way of dealing with pain. When it got overwhelming you went to see the one doctor who knew what to do, Dr. Poultice. That man was a genius! His idea was to make a bigger pain than was already there.

If you had a severe pain in your back, Dr. Poultice made up a mustard plaster with chili powder, black pepper, red pepper, green pepper, and lots of Tabasco. Then he smeared over your chest and immediately you screamed, ‘Ahhhhh! My Chest! Ahhhhh!!’ You didn’t feel the pain in your back anymore just the pain in your chest.

What about the chest pain, you ask? Don’t ever underestimate Dr. Poultice. He was brilliant! He took a big heavy rock and smashed your foot! So then you hopped around, screaming, Ohhh, my foot! Ohhh, my foot! Ohhh, my foot!

And for that pain? Brilliant again. He stuck a stick in your eye, which took your mind off your foot.

From then, you were screaming, “Ohhhhh, my eye! Ohhhhh, my eye! “Your foot, your chest, and your back you forgot about.

Dr. Poultice, he was some doctor!

I recommended him to all my friends. I must admit, though, I never personally went to him myself. Once I heard about the twig in the eye treatment, I decided not to go to such a top doctor I didn’t need such a specialist. I went to neighborhood guy.

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