Billy Crystal

By Harvey Tobkes

H.T.…Well, Billy, I hope this doesn’t embarrass you, but please tell us about your dreams.

B.C. I have the same dream almost every night… I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my hign-school history teacher wearing a burka, disguised as an Arab judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.

H.T. Would you like to try something wild and daring, like climbing Mount Everest?

B.C. I don’t like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.

H.T. Were you funny in high School? How did you entertain your classmates?

B.C. In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, and the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

H.T. Why do Americans idolize their top movie stars?
B.C. Without Goliath, David is just some punk throwing rocks.

H.T. We never hear much about your lovely devoted wife. How has she contributed to your long and happy marriage?

BC…The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn’t let me fly off the earth. And it’s always been that way.

H.T. You and Robin Williams have a similar style and wit, which of you would come off the winner in a duel as to who hosts the Academy Awards show?

B.C. Trading lines with Robin (Williams) is, I imagine, like trading forehands with André Agassi from three feet away.

H.T. What’s the biggest difference between men and women when it comes to sex?
B.C.…Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

H.T. I hope you have no hard feelings about any of my questions. When can we do this again?

B.C.…That’s an easy one…(a) There’s no hard feelings, and (b) probably never again. Analyze That!

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