Woody Allen

Questions by Harvey Tobkes

Me: Woody, let me begin by asking if you can you tell me a little about your parents?
Woody: I don’t think my parents liked me. When I was a baby they put a live teddy bear in my crib. I am sure if I were taken by kidnappers or terrorists, they would snap into action… and rent out my room.

Me: You must have gone to very good schools as a boy. Any comments on that part of your life?
Woody: I had a terrible grade school education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Me: In high-school did you try out for any teams?
Woody: I failed to make the chess team because of my height…too short.

Me: Were you a good student in college?
Woody: I don’t usually reveal this, but I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysics exam……I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Me: Let me ask you a question about sexual orientation…what is your opinion of bisexuals?
Woody: Well, I think they are fortunate people, because bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Me: O.K. Let’s talk about marriage. How are you getting get along with your present wife.
Woody: Oh her! Basically, she’s very immature. The other day I was at home, in the bathtub, and she came in and sank all my boats.
Friends tell me I’m foolish, but I tend to place my wife under a pedestal, and in my house, I am the boss…my wife is just the decision maker.

Me: Anything to say about politics?
Woody: Well, I could call president Biden an old, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Me: Woody, what are you proud of?
Woody: I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. It keeps perfect time.

Me: We hear you have some compulsive sex urges. Care to enlighten us?
Woody: If you are talking about masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love, so don’t knock it.

Me: Final question, Woody. Would you like to achieve immortality through your fine work?
Woody: I do not want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, comedian, playwright and jazz musician. Allen’s distinctive films, which run the gamut from intense dramas to screwball sex comedies, have made him one of the most respected living American directors. He is also distinguished by his rapid rate of production and his very large body of work. Allen writes and directs his movies and has also acted in the majority of them. For inspiration, Allen draws heavily on literature, sexuality, philosophy, psychology, Jewish identity, European cinema, and New York City, where he was born and has lived his entire life.


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