A SINCERE LETTER FROM THE PUZZLED PRESIDENT OF THE — EXTREMELY LOUD DOORBELL COMPANY

As the president of the Extremely Loud Doorbell Company, I am frustrated and puzzled by the many charges that have been levelled against us.

Some people blame us for the recent upsurge in cat frightenings. But, as I testified before Congress, cats are frightened by many sounds, not just doorbells. A person in the household may take up trumpet lessons for instance, or maybe playing bagpipes, or worst of all set his text message notifications to a dog bark.

Some people even claim that our doorbells can cause nails and screws to come loose. This is absurd. In fact, testing in our laboratories shows that the intense sonic blast emitted by our doorbells actually drives nails and screws in deeper.

Perhaps the strangest charge is that, during wakes, our doorbells can cause the deceased upper body to raise up a bit. One plaintiff even claimed that a body suddenly opened and shut its eyes!

Sincerely,