VISITORS, WELCOME TO MIAMI

For the Miami Herald:
Excerpt of an article by Dave Barry

Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing.

I’m kidding! You’ll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.

Back in November, Rep. Tancredo, who represents suburban Denver, ruffled some feathers down here when he called Miami “a third-world country.” For the record, that charge is unfair: Miami is WAY better armed than any third-world country. Miami is also a world-class party city, which is why the Super Bowl is being held here for a record-tying ninth time. Compare that with — to pick a city at random — Denver, which has been selected to host the Super Bowl a total of, let’s see, the ’60s, nope, the ’70s, nope, the ’80s, nope, the ’90s, nope, the 2000s, nope . .

Chances are you’ll arrive — Lucky you! — at Miami International Airport. Here you will find a spacious, modern, convenient, well-designed, passenger-friendly, state-of-the-art facility depicted on murals showing what the airport allegedly will look like if they ever finish it. This is unlikely to happen in the current century because the airport is under the control of Miami-Dade politicians, who traditionally fall into one of three categories: (1) incompetents; (2) criminals; and (3) incompetent criminals.

GETTING AROUND MIAMI

You need to rent a car. Do NOT be afraid to do this. You may have heard scary stories about driving in Miami, but the truth is that you will be perfectly safe, as long as you remain within the rental-car lot. Beyond that, you are on your own.

If you do venture out on the roads of Miami, here are some rules to bear in mind:

• Never stop for a yellow light unless you want to be rear-ended.
• Ditto for a red light.
• In fact, as a general rule, never stop.
• In Miami, signaling a turn is viewed as a sign of weakness.
• If you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving car that does not appear to have a driver, that car is in fact being operated by a senior citizen approximately the height of a Pepsi can, but with worse eyesight. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PASS THIS CAR. At any moment the operator could suddenly decide to change lanes without warning. Just be patient, and within a mile the car will drive off the road, often into a canal or building, and you can pass safely.
• Whatever else you do, do NOT get on Interstate 95. If, by mistake, you DO get on Interstate 95, whatever you do, do NOT get off.

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