2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

13. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in,
you take it out, and you lose interest.

It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.

Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left

“I gif you $200 you do immigrant style.” “No way,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.”O.K. I gif you $300. She tells him…”Go home to your wife.”

So finally he says, “OK, I no fool aroun…I gif you $500 you do immigrant style boom boom wif me.” She thinks, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now and I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish. Exhausted and out of breath , the hooker turns to the guy and says, “Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.That, was fantastic! So, what exactly is immigrant style?”

The illegal immigrant replies,”You call your government, you ask, den dey sen you $500, your boom boom money.”

Q: You have been known as a wise and frugal man, so can you give our younger readers some advice about the value of money?
A: If you would know the value of money, try to borrow some.

Q: I hear you have many friends that come from great distances to visit you and learn from your sage advice.
A Yes! but I will say this about them all, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

Q: Are there any absolutes or certainties in life?
A: Certainties? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Q: Do you have many close friends?
A: There are 3 faithful friends in a lifetime that a man may have. An old wife, an old dog and ready money.

Q. Upon reflection, do you like the wise and witty person you have become?
A: Yes! But remember he that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Q: What would you say is one of life’s great tragedies?
A: Life’s great tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

Q:. We know you have done many good deeds and favors for your friends; how have you been rewarded?
A: Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay greater ones with ingratitude.

Q: And now, sir, my closing question, which many of our readers look forward to: Is it true that your Jewish mother often warned….”Benny, stop playing around already with the ‘fershtunkener’ kite; there’s lightning; you’ll kill yourself?”

The poor little guy starts crying. ‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says, I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.’

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. ‘I can’t do anything right.’ ‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.’

“So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life by putting arsenic in my drink…and then you show up and steal my poison.”

Max says “By me could be a whole lot better the bowels. I take mineral oil, ex-lax, stool softener, nothing helps, I’m “fashtupped.” Then they both turn to Abe who started the conversation, and asked, “So tell us Abe, you’re asking everybody, but you’re not telling about yourself.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Which would you choose as the winning entry?

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.