I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I do not allow servers to put lemon slices in my ice water, because I worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because a needle infected with AIDS could stick me.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends.

I never hit the lottery, but that doesn’t matter, because I am waiting to receive the money that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Once again, I want to thank you again so much for protecting me.

Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better and better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension; then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol; you party; you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school; you become a kid; you play; you have no responsibilities; you become a baby,

and, then, you spend your last months floating peacefully, back in the warmth and comfort of your mother’s womb.

He returns a week later and tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she’s just the right age for the son – she keeps a “Kosher” home – she regularly attends “Shul” – she is a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family and, to crown it all off, she’s gorgeous and has a figure like Jenifer Lopez.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son….. pauses and asks: “Is she also good in bed?”

2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

It was mealtime during a flight on EL AL. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Mr. Goldberg, seated in front. “What are my choices?,” Goldberg asked.”Yes or no,” she replied .

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?” Cohen replies, “I make a nice living.”

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “schmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and kvetches a long, slow “Oy!” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “Oy Vey!” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”

“Rabbi, Abe and Sol are both in love with me,” she says. “Who will be the lucky one?”