I love birthdays. I get presents I don’t really need, I get to blow out the candles, I even get the first cut of the cake and I love the way my 3 children patronize me as if I’m senile.

I guess there comes a time in one’s life when the children and parents reverse roles. They tell you what is good for you, and you accept it, and once you reach that point there no turning back. In my brood, Andrew is a gastroenterologist, Scott is a chiropractor, and my daughter, Julie, was a surgical nurse for many years. So maybe they are accustomed to telling others what to do.

The first sign of change, in my case, happened at a restaurant where we all met for dinner.
They, my adult children, were having a conversation and talking as if I were not there. “He looks pretty good for his age,” Andy remarked, “although I wish he would cut back on his walking. two miles a day is too much.” Scott said, “I tried to get him to try swimming but he said he’d rather walk.” My daughter asked, “Do you think he would like a little of my fish?”

You might excuse the rude behavior by saying I do not hear very well, (O.K. I admit my hearing is lousy) in a group situation. But I learned how to deal with people speaking indistinctly; when they try making eye contact, I just smile my Forrest Gump smile. I also noticed they spoke to me in a mild shout, and spoke slowly, as you would to the Village Idiot. “Would -you- like-another-drink–dad?” I nodded no, just to make a little conversation.

All of this is no problem for me because I recognize it all as a normal progression in life.

I admit. I’m am ready to pass the family torch to whoever (or whomever, I think they’re both correct) will carry it.

When you judge your worth or success by the number of tasks you complete, you set yourself up for some victories and lots of frustration. Like the Greek mythological character, Sisyphus, you will eternally roll a big rock to the top of a hill, only to have it fall back on you, to start again.

Certainly goals and projects give our life meaning and purpose; choosing and achieving a valued goal liberates energy and reward. You will never be satisfied not doing something, so you are wise to choose goals you believe in. Just be sure that the process of completing them lifts your spirit rather than crushes it, and your soul is intact when you cross the finish line.

The name of the game is happiness, so don’t leave home without it.

Scott’s wife Betty told us of the problems he is having. He has a plaster cast on his right forearm and that poses some difficulties. It seems that after a meal, a piece of food lodged between his teeth and was terribly annoying. Well, you can’t floss with one hand, so Betty and little Rachelle took turns playing dentist and trying to dislodge the debris, but they had no success. After a few unsuccessful attempts they realized they were working on the wrong tooth; only then were they were able to give the poor guy a little comfort and relief.

Pharmaceutical companies all seem to be on that same track. First they show you a person or a couple leading a wonderful life, presumably because they used the advertised medication. Then they speed talk a list of side-effects that are so horrendous you want to cover your ears, and finally end with the cliché…”Ask your doctor if ‘Curitall’ is right for you.”

Auto dealers spouting lease payments run a close second; the monthly payments are the teaser (low…and oh so tempting!). What you cannot hear, is that the offering is for a basic model with a text disclaimer at the bottom of the TV screen that appears for a nanosecond in a print size you couldn’t read with the Hubble Telescope; it lists a dozen charges for huge up-front money requirements.

How could all those suckers have bitten on reverse mortgage teaser loan ads? It only takes half a brain to know if it’s too good to be true…forget it. So now we have…”If you are over 62, get a bundle of cash, no mortgage payments, live in your own home.” Better have a sharp lawyer check that out. Home loans are the most egregious examples of deceptive advertising.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.?? (Are you doubting this?)

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says
‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room
people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was
sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies,

I have a daughter,

very pretty

Slim and tall
40″ D Breasts
24″ WAIST and
34″ HIPS

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes I despair over my body … the wrinkles, my aching back, and the sagging turkey neck. And often I despise that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I treasure my wonderful life, my loving family and amazing friends. As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own companion, as I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon.

And whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50’s. I will walk the beach, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. If they’re lucky, they too, will get old some day!

My memory is not as sharp as it once was; I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten … and I eventually remember the important things.

So, to answer your question, yes, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.

Some people become bird watchers late in life…and that has become one of my hobbies these days. You see… on that beach walk I mentioned, I’ve become a keen observer of the Bikini Bird.

I was relaxing (just Bikini watching), when all of a sudden, from somewhere in the upper branches, a huge seagull dropped a blob of poop-doo, which splashed down on my right forearm. That bird must have written the book on “Pooping on People.” But I wasn’t upset. Noooooo! The first thing that popped into my head about the poop was this was a lucky omen and what could be better than having a store selling Florida Lottery tickets just a few yards away.

So what am I going to do now? I am working on inventing bird diapers, and if that doesn’t work out me and my partner Cap Peterson will try manufacturing toupees for bald eagles.

“I’d like some Polish Sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says: “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says: “Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you…if I had asked for Italian sausage
would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for
German Sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if
I had asked for bagels and lox would you ask if I was Jewish?
Huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says: “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says:
“Well, all right then. Why did you ask me if I’m Polish?
Just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk says: “Because this is a hardware store.”