Anita didn’t even like that wonderful movie with Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis titled, “Some Like It Hot.”

MY wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love…”Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won’t drink from my glass!

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I Went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me, “Not tonight.” She had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man..

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same f…ing elephant.

My June 1951, trip to Paris was somewhat business connected, as I was stationed in Germany, working for the U.S. Army, as a 22-year-old private first-class, on special assignment in Stuttgart, (washing pots and pans and peeling millions of potatoes). After about 6 months of drudgery, they held some sort of lottery and I was lucky enough to get a 7-day furlough pass. I had to get far away from K.P. duty, so I took a plane from Stuttgart to Geneva and from Geneva to Paris.

My outstanding memories…The Louvre Museum, the Seine, Sacre Coeur, Notre Dame, Place de la Opera, Napoleon’s Tomb, Eiffel Tower, a restaurant called Flambaum’s, the Follies Bergére, my old world hotel with luxurious antique room furnishings and last but not least, the available women. OMG!

Paris offers too much temptation for any man, and I was no exception. To support my playboy tourist interlude, I had to sell my Leica camera and still I had to wire home for money. My dad was very generous and a Paris bank was very cooperative. In those days, “moderation,” was not yet a word in my vocabulary. In fact, you might say I was an overachiever when it came to food, wine and women; (throw in a TV remote and that’s still the modern day profile of most men).

Now, reflecting back on my younger years… I think that at this stage of my life, I would prefer to dine at Flambaum’s and forsake all those other pleasures. In the playhouse section of my brain, I envision a scene where I am having a gourmet meal. In my imagination, I start with a French onion soup laden with thick, crusty slices of French bread toasted in the oven and placed on top of my very hot, rich soup brimming with slices of melted, bubbling gruyere cheese overflowing the bowl, served a la Flambaum’s.

Ahhh, Paris!

He says, “So what would you like, Sweetie-Pie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Morris, I want a divorce.”

When my business partner embezzled all the money. They said, I was lucky, I still had my health, and so it could have been worse.

When I was held up at gun point by a wild eyed man who had a killer’s look in his eye, they said, Wow! You’re so lucky, he only took your wallet and he didn’t shoot you. You know, it could have been worse.

When we came home from a vacation and found there was an odor of smoke in the house. We asked our 3 kids what was that smell? They told us the lady who we hired to watch them (we paid her and she left in a hurry) was smoking in bed and the mattress caught fire. When we examined the bed it was all newly made up, but the mattress had a huge burn hole in it and some coffee stains. I guess she used the coffee as a fire extinguisher. O.K. you guessed it; my friends all said I was a lucky guy; the children were safe and sound and all I had to do to solve the problem was to buy a new mattress. So it could have been worse.

I ask you, why does this all happen to me? Yeah, I know, I’m just lucky.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only “a penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

The other day I was stopped at a light, and in the car alongside a very attractive woman in her late 50’s or early 60’s was making some kind of gesture or hand signal or waving at me.

Oh Boy! I started to get ideas that were not age appropriate. The thought that a woman was flirting with me boosted my old ego; I looked in the side-view mirror for a little reassurance…and “yeah, not too bad!” There she was trying to get my attention; she was rotating her hand, meaning I should roll down the window. Wow! This was getting better all the time. I hit the button and she reached across and handed me her card. Just then the light changed to green and she drove off.