2. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”. “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with… Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression … “He who has a Tate’s is lost!” (Hesitates…get it?)

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … “The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you a joyful journey for the coming years on your train of life.

BENJAMIN HARRISON — 1869… He had the White House wired for electricity, though it is said he feared electrocution.

WILLIAM McKINLEY — 1897… He was a newspaper baron who became the first “mass media president.”

HERBERT HOOVER — 1929…He was the first president to have a telephone on his desk.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT — 1933 to 1937…regularly communicated with the people via casual radio addresses called “fireside chats.”

HARRY TRUMAN — 1947…He became the first president to give a speech on television.

JOHN F. KENNEDY — 1960…His victory winning the presidency, was said to be partly due to his cool demeanor during the first televised debate against his nervous opponent, Richard Nixon.

RICHARD NIXON — 1969…From the Oval Office in the White House, he talked by radio-telephone to the astronauts who landed on the moon.

BARACK OBAMA — 2009… He was the first president with a desktop computer in the Oval Office.

I looked down……and there printed neatly in red ink were the words:………IF ONLY.

“You’d be amazed,” said the Old Man, “If you knew how many thousands of times I’ve sat in this chair and listened to woeful sentences beginning with those two words. “If only,” they say to me, “I had done it differently,” or not done it at all. If only I hadn’t… lost my temper, or said that cruel thing, or made that dishonest move, or that foolish lie. If only I had been wiser, or more unselfish, or more self-controlled.” They go on and on until I stop them. Sometimes I make them listen to the recordings you just heard. “If only,”…I say to them, you’d stop saying if only, we might begin to get somewhere!”

The Old Man stretched out his legs. “The trouble with if only,” he said, “is that it doesn’t change anything. It keeps the person facing the wrong way, backward, instead of forward. It wastes time. In the end, if you let it become a habit, it can become a real roadblock—an excuse for not trying anymore.

“Shift the focus,” said the Old Man promptly. “Change the key words and substitute a phrase that supplies lift instead of creating drag.”

“Do you have such a phrase to recommend?
“Certainly. Strike out the words “if only” and substitute the phrase “Next time?“

That’s right. I’ve seen it work minor miracles right here in this room. As long as a patient keeps saying if only to me, he’s in trouble. But when he looks me in the eye and says next time, I know he’s on his way to overcoming his problem. It means he has decided to apply the lessons he has learned from his experience, however grim or painful it may have been. It means he’s going to push aside the roadblock of regret, move forward, take action, resume living.

Try it yourself. You’ll see.”

Arthur Gordon, wonder, if only, next time, regret — Beliefnet.com