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IN THE DENTIST’S CHAIR ~ A TV SKIT by HARVEY KORMAN & TIM CONWAY

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Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 6:37 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Comedy



HIGH CARD WINS A POKE ~ SHE CUTS THE CARDS WTH GUS from LONSOME DOVE

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PAVAROTTI SINGS FAMOUS LIGHT OPERA WITH LYRICS

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“La donna è mobile” (Woman is fickle) is the Duke of Mantua’s canzone from the beginning of act 3 of Giuseppe Verdi’s opera Rigoletto (1851). The canzone is famous as a showcase for tenors. Pavarotti’s performance of the bravura aria was always hailed as the highlight of the evening. Soon after the aria’s first public performance it became popular to sing among Venetian gondoliers.

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Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 5:54 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Entertainment, Video YouTube



SOME LIKE IT HOT!

By Harvey Tobkes

I am sad to tell you that after 67 years of marriage, Anita and I have found that we are thermostatically incompatible.

Thermolo

I tried to solve the problem amicably, so I called the Honeywell Company and asked to speak to one of their chief engineers. I asked him if they manufactured a His and Hers thermostat because my wife, Anita, is always hot, dying of the heat. Me? I’m always freezing. I was surprised to hear him say, Oh, we hear a lot of those complaints and we are working on the problem, but it’s a bit tricky, so we have nothing to offer you right now.

Timers

In the early years of marriage we worked out some difficult dilemmas — how many times we visit her mother was a biggie. I won, but she got over it. How many times a week for boom boom,..I lost that one, but I got over it.
Cold carYou would laugh if you came to visit us and found me in a woolen shirt and a fleece lined parka, and those are my pajamas.

Anita didn’t even like that wonderful movie with Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis titled, “Some Like It Hot.”

For me it was a movie classic because…you guessed it…I DO LIKE IT HOT!
 

Big glacier

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Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 5:30 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Humor



DO YOU REMEMBER THIS COUPLE SINGING TO EACH OTHER? IT’S ALMOST LIKE A SAD OPERA DUET

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Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 5:07 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Politics, Spoof, Video YouTube



THE COMEDIANS

If you are my age, then you surely remember the old Catskill Mountain area in upstate N.Y where comics of vaudeville days, viz., Myron Cohen, Henny Youngman, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, got their start in show business. Here’s a few choice, but worn out lines, that got belly laughs from a mostly Jewish audience:

Rodney Dangerfield

I am so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

MY wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love…”Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won’t drink from my glass!

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I Went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me, “Not tonight.” She had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 4:35 | Comments Off on THE COMEDIANS | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor



ROTO-ROOTER or the DRILL

By Harvey Tobkes

So if you had to choose between a colonoscopy and root canal, which would be your choice?

In the past two weeks I have undergone both, and I am very happy and relieved to report that they weren’t bad at all. In fact, I don’t know why these 2 health procedures are maligned and feared to such an extent that they have become metaphors for pain.

Plumbing

To make a long story short, gastroenterology has made the colonoscopy a breeze. To prep you need to clean your pipes, so all you do is mix yourself a pleasant tasting cocktail of lime-flavored Gatorade (my favorite flavor) with a cathartic powder. No problem with that, right? Drink it all up and wait about 15 minutes (note: be close to a toilet). When the message hits your brain, don’t delay, have a seat on your throne and I assure you everything will come out O.K. Next day report to the clinic. You get into a hospital gown (they haven’t improved) and you are put under by an anesthetist. It seems like only a few minutes later, your doctor awakens you and it’s all over…time to go home…and I was having such a nice dream. Oh well! So what was so hard about that? Then you wait 5 years before you do it again.

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Now for the root canal. I would give my endodontist an A+ in needle injections because I didn’t feel a thing when he gave me a shot of Novocaine to numb my jaw.

Dentist

He worked on my tooth while peering through a binocular microscope mounted on a flexible arm, and I almost fell asleep while he drilled away.

In fact, I was in sort of a daydream when I heard him say, “All done!”

DrillSo fear not the Roto-Rooter or the Drill and remember well the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, “The only thing you have to fear, is fear itself.”

Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 4:02 | Comments Off on ROTO-ROOTER or the DRILL | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Health, Humor



BUS FROM CHICAGO GOT AIR CONDITIONED

Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 2:18 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Sends A Message, Spoof



HEARTWARMING STORY

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man..

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same f…ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories. 🙂

Conversation Posted at 01/28/22 1:05 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: General



IT’S BEEN A GREAT LIFE WITH MANY SWEET MEMORIES

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By Harvey Tobkes

Yes! The title statement above is especially true if you are young, healthy, have money and the time to travel. So, let me share one of my short adventures that reminds me of a week when I really enjoyed…the great life. Those were the days!

My June 1951, trip to Paris was somewhat business connected, as I was stationed in Germany, working for the U.S. Army, as a 22-year-old private first-class, on special assignment in Stuttgart, (washing pots and pans and peeling millions of potatoes). After about 6 months of drudgery, they held some sort of lottery and I was lucky enough to get a 7-day furlough pass. I had to get far away from K.P. duty, so I took a plane from Stuttgart to Geneva and from Geneva to Paris.

Eiffel tower

My outstanding memories…The Louvre Museum, the Seine, Sacre Coeur, Notre Dame, Place de la Opera, Napoleon’s Tomb, Eiffel Tower, a restaurant called Flambaum’s, the Follies Bergére, my old world hotel with luxurious antique room furnishings and last but not least, the available women. OMG!

Paris offers too much temptation for any man, and I was no exception. To support my playboy tourist interlude, I had to sell my Leica camera and still I had to wire home for money. My dad was very generous and a Paris bank was very cooperative. In those days, “moderation,” was not yet a word in my vocabulary. In fact, you might say I was an overachiever when it came to food, wine and women; (throw in a TV remote and that’s still the modern day profile of most men).

Now, reflecting back on my younger years… I think that at this stage of my life, I would prefer to dine at Flambaum’s and forsake all those other pleasures. In the playhouse section of my brain, I envision a scene where I am having a gourmet meal. In my imagination, I start with a French onion soup laden with thick, crusty slices of French bread toasted in the oven and placed on top of my very hot, rich soup brimming with slices of melted, bubbling gruyere cheese overflowing the bowl, served a la Flambaum’s.

Ahhh, Paris!

Conversation Posted at 01/27/22 0:20 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories, Memories



BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

Conversation Posted at 01/27/22 0:18 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cutesy Stuff



HER BIRTHDAY GIFT

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A 45-year-old guy is out to dinner with his much younger wife to celebrate her 30th birthday.

He says, “So what would you like, Sweetie-Pie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Morris, I want a divorce.”

He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Conversation Posted at 01/27/22 0:15 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Joke



THEY TOLD ME I’M A LUCKY GUY?

My friends are very consoling; whenever I tell them about horrible, unfortunate things that happen in my life. They all come up with the same refrain, “Don’t worry about it; you’re a lucky guy; it could have been worse.”

When my business partner embezzled all the money. They said, I was lucky, I still had my health, and so it could have been worse.

Roulette

When I was held up at gun point by a wild eyed man who had a killer’s look in his eye, they said, Wow! You’re so lucky, he only took your wallet and he didn’t shoot you. You know, it could have been worse.

When we came home from a vacation and found there was an odor of smoke in the house. We asked our 3 kids what was that smell? They told us the lady who we hired to watch them (we paid her and she left in a hurry) was smoking in bed and the mattress caught fire. When we examined the bed it was all newly made up, but the mattress had a huge burn hole in it and some coffee stains. I guess she used the coffee as a fire extinguisher. O.K. you guessed it; my friends all said I was a lucky guy; the children were safe and sound and all I had to do to solve the problem was to buy a new mattress. So it could have been worse.

I ask you, why does this all happen to me? Yeah, I know, I’m just lucky.

After a terrible auto accident, I was laid up in the hospital. An old friend came to visit and I was telling him about my painful injuries and he said, you’re lucky it could have been worse.

I lost it…”You son-of-a-bitch! What could be worse,” I shouted into his face. He coolly answered… “it could have happened to me.”

Conversation Posted at 01/27/22 0:10 | Comments Off on THEY TOLD ME I’M A LUCKY GUY? | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Humor, Spoof



QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Brain

Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only “a penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Conversation Posted at 01/27/22 0:08 | Comments Off on QUESTIONS TO PONDER | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Nobody asked me...But



WE ALL LOOK DIFFERENT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL ~ CHECK OUT THESE CELEBRITIES

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Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 6:32 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Famous People, Video YouTube



I THOUGHT I HAD IT ~ YEAH SURE! LOOK AGAIN, HARV

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By Harvey Tobkes

As many of you know, November 20th I had my 93rd birthday in and I drive a 21-year-old Toyota with only 29,000 miles.

The other day I was stopped at a light, and in the car alongside a very attractive woman in her late 50’s or early 60’s was making some kind of gesture or hand signal or waving at me.

Oh Boy! I started to get ideas that were not age appropriate. The thought that a woman was flirting with me boosted my old ego; I looked in the side-view mirror for a little reassurance…and “yeah, not too bad!” There she was trying to get my attention; she was rotating her hand, meaning I should roll down the window. Wow! This was getting better all the time. I hit the button and she reached across and handed me her card. Just then the light changed to green and she drove off.

I looked at the card and the words “Private Geriatric Nurse” jumped up at me and took the air out of my balloon. What a bitch…she saw an old guy in an old car and smelled an opportunity to drum up business. I drove home, went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and…Oy Vey! From the bathroom I hurried to the liquor cabinet and mixed a strong Bloody Mary because that nurse knew a good prospect when she saw one.

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Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 5:47 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Anita & Harvey Stories



ANGER MANAGEMENT

Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 4:55 | View/add comments (2) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Cartoons



WHITE BOY GETS BIG LAUGHS AT THE APOLLO IN HARLEM

Best to watch with CC Subtitles

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Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 4:30 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Comedy



“GARRY OWEN” – SONG OF THE U.S. 7th CAVALRY

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>>>CLICK HERE TO WATCH A VIDEO CLIP FROM THE MOVIE "
THEY DIED WITH THEIR BOOTS ON" STARRING ERROL FLYNN
< <<

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The 7th Cavalry Regiment is a United States Army cavalry regiment, whose lineage traces back to the mid-19th century. Its official nickname is “Garry Owen”, in honor of the Irish drinking song Garry Owen that was adopted as its march tune.

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Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 4:29 | View/add comments (1) | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Music, Video YouTube



WISDOM FROM TIBET’S DALAI LAMA

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The Dalai Lama when asked what surprised him most about humanity… answered:

Conversation Posted at 01/26/22 3:45 | Leave a comment | Mail Send this to a friend | Filed Under: Famous People, Great Quotes



Harvey Tobkes

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About Harvey Tobkes

Harvey Tobkes lives in Florida where he enjoys writing about life.

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