Anna Nicole Smith…“ R. I. P.

By Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

We have a very simple philosophy: we don’t speak ill of the dead with the hope that they return the favor. But in the case of Anna Nicole Smith we cannot remain silent.

Jackie Mason

She ran, what could charitably be called her love life, like a bakery: pick a number and stand in line. Unfortunately, we never made a trip to that bakery, so we can definitely state we are not the father of her child and would, if the price was right, immediately agree to a DNA test.

Usually, when the question of paternity comes up all the candidates immediately take a plane for Uganda and swear that when the deed was done they were watching a movie with an Eskimo in Siberia. For the first time in history, it’s like fighting to get into Macy’s when the doors open in the morning for the after-Christmas sale.

Apparently, Anna was egalitarian with her charms. She was an equal opportunity provider. Age, religion, nationality or ethnicity played no role in her choices- and for this we applaud her (particularly, the “age” part.)

Prince Frederic von Anhalt, who allegedly purchased his title on eBay and who sued Pfizer, the maker of Viagra claims to be the father of Anna’s child. If he is telling the truth, and, at his age, he fathered the child, he should be paying Pfizer, rather than suing them. When the reporters asked him how his wife Zsa Zsa would react to his announcement, he said she is free to sue him for divorce if she chooses. He neglected to point out that at the age of ninety-three, most women (and men) can hardly make the trip to the toilet, let alone to a lawyer’s office.

Then there is the Minister of Immigration in the Bahamas. He allegedly also slept with her. Presumably, as suggested, she did this in an effort to speed up her effort to immigrate to the Bahamas. We must uncharitably observe that sleeping with him might be a good reason for somebody to speed up their immigration out of the Bahamas.

Then there is Ron Burkhart. He has gone to court to prove he is the father. Most men who end up in paternity court hire lawyers to prove they are not the father.

The only person we believe is certainly not the father is Howard Stern…the guy listed as the father on the birth certificate. Stern could have ended this fiasco by simply agreeing to a DNA test as ordered by the California court. He is resisting this, in our opinion, because it will clearly show he is not the father. The DNA will exclude him, but it cannot point a finger at the real father unless he agrees to be tested. And in that regard, apparently, the tester will have to work his way through the entire male population in Los Angles over the age of fourteen, not to mention also those living in select parts of the Bahamas.

Does any of this make sense?

The driving force behind all of these efforts, in our cynical opinion, is money.

Paternity, particularly when the will is set aside, carries with it serious financial rewards. Just being Executor of the estate, at a commission rate of two and a half percent, may bring in over a million dollars in fees.

Come to think of it, maybe, we should have gotten on that bakery line.

To read the full article go to: Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

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