THE BOROWITZ REPORT

[Santorum Makes Campaign Swing Through Seventeenth Century Blasts Contraception, Electricity, Soap].

THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY (The Borowitz Report) – In an effort to underscore his core beliefs leading up to this Tuesday night’s primary contests, former Sen. Rick Santorum made a campaign swing through the Seventeenth Century today.

At the first stop of his ambitious journey, Mr. Santorum restated his reason for seeking the White House: “I am running for President today because the position of Spanish Inquisitor is no longer available.”

The former Pennsylvania Senator served up red meat to his seventeenth-century supporters, telling them, “Since we all agree that contraception is a bad idea, it’s time to take a harder look at electricity and soap.”

Mr. Santorum, who said that in his first day in office he would repeal the Age of Enlightenment, stressed that he had home-schooled all seven of his children: “That means there are at least eight people in this country who don’t understand evolution.”

In a lighter moment, Sen. Santorum told his audience what he said was his favorite joke: “A Kenyan, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion.”

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich scored points with this comment on education: “We should leave no child behind, only wives.”