Rodney Dangerfield

  • I drink too much; I love Martinis. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
  • I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  • I was so poor growing up … if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
  • It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
  • My old man, he was dumb too. He worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
  • My kid is very smart. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher.

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