EINSTEIN’S GIG AS A STAND UP COMIC

You think you’ve got problems. Every time I go to a restaurant with friends, one of them gives me the check at the end of the meal and says, “Albert, you do the math.”

So anyway, a neutron walks into a bar. And the bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

And . . . The other day I’m at the deli and I say, “Waiter, there’s a sub-atomic particle in my borscht! It’s enormous! Look at it go!” So the waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir, but you know what Heisenberg says about the limitation of measuring two properties of a quantum object with infinite precision.” So I say, “But Werner Heisenberg was a big fat Nazi.” So the waiter says, “I’ll get the manager.”

“You think you have it bad. My mother won’t let me bring my girlfriend home for Thanksgiving. You know why? She says, “It’s all relatives.”

Have you heard the one about God? So He’s at Caesar’s Palace, standing next to the crap table and the croupier says, “But with all due respect, God, Albert Einstein says you don’t play dice with the universe. “Yeah,” says God, “Wasn’t Albert also wrong about the cosmological constant?”

“That’s all I got,” Einstein concludes. “You’ve been a great audience.”