I’m a gynecologist, not an ER doctor, but I regularly get invited to the ER to remove random objects from people’s vaginas. A little boredom and a lot of creativity is the recipe for a limitless variety of compromising situations.

I have removed lost pencils (how is that fun?) a plethora of food objects, and, I sometimes suspect, household objects that happened to be the closest thing laying around.

My partner removed a Christmas tree shaped shampoo bottle from a patient’s vagina. Why? Were regularly shaped shampoo bottles unavailable? Had she grown bored of them? Was she just feeling festive?

So many questions.

A few years ago I was called to retrieve a lost foreign object. The ER physician had tried unsuccessfully to get it out.

He kept telling me that I was going to need to get some ring forceps in order to get it.

The lady was a pleasant early 70s Hispanic patient. She didn’t speak English but her daughter was translating.

She reported that she had gotten out of the shower, and sat naked on her couch, and felt something go inside her.

I put on some gloves, reached in and pulled out a shampoo bottle cap.

The nurse was proud of me.

“Good going doc!” she praised me as we exited the room.

The ER physician was visibly crestfallen when he saw how quickly I had gotten it out.

“I guess I should’ve tried harder,” he said miserably.

Hey, you’re good at what you do all the time and a large part of my job involves vaginas.

The thing is, out of everybody with a strange story involving a lost object and a compromising situation, I come closest to believing her. There’s a chance it’s true. But I wouldn’t sit on her couch if you come for tea.

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