By Harvey Tobkes

Mr. President, before we begin, may I wish you a very happy 211th birthday.

HT: Sorry to lead off with this question, Mr. President, but some people in your own party have called you two-faced. Any response to that?
Abe: If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

HT: Why are you so against slavery?
Abe: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

HT: Tell us about your family, I heard you were very close to your grandfather.
Abe: I didn’t even know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.

HT: Many Segregationists are calling you an unprincipled liar. What would you say to them?
Abe: Ask them the question as to how many legs does a dog have, if you call the tail a leg. The correct answer is four, because calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

HT: Some members of Congress whisper that you have many vices, what would you tell them?
Abe: My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.

HT: Last question, Mr. President. Is it true your Jewish mother was always nagging you, and she was overheard saying, “Again with the top hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

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