THINGS YOUR WIFE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR

2. That your head hurts and your throat tickles and you are really sleepy. Call your mother. That’s what she’s there for.

3. The dirty joke you heard at work. Chances are, I won’t think it’s funny. Call your best friend. That’s what he’s there for.

4. How annoying you find the kids, three seconds after walking in the door. I’ve been with them all afternoon. I know.

5. That there are no clean socks. I have been doing laundry all freaking day. I have no idea why the basket is still full and I have no idea where your socks are. Wear a mismatched pair. Wear a dirty pair. Don’t wear any at all. Just don’t expect me to find you any.

6. That you think I look fat. I don’t ever really want to know that, even if I ask. Tell me the color is wrong or it’s not as flattering as it could be. Anything but fat.

7. That I haven’t changed in two and a half days. I know. I can smell myself. I’ll do something about it when I’m good and ready.

8. That you didn’t like the dinner I slaved over all day long. Just smile, feed it to the dog under the table and shut the FUCK up.

9. That you’re in the mood. Just go for it, or don’t go for it, but I’m too exhausted to discuss it.