THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP E-MAIL WARNINGS

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I do not allow servers to put lemon slices in my ice water, because I worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because a needle infected with AIDS could stick me.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends.

I never hit the lottery, but that doesn’t matter, because I am waiting to receive the money that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Once again, I want to thank you again so much for protecting me.