After poring over the menu for 20 minutes, do you finally signal the server by snap, snap, snapping away, and announce you are ready NOW?


Then while the server stands there, order pad in hand, do you proceed to sloooowly go through the entire menu discussing the pros and cons of each item with your fellow diners? Do you ultimately take longer to order your food than it took us to win the revolutionary war against the British.

You never want your entre prepared the way the restaurant usually prepares it. You say things like, “I’ll have the baked fillet of sole with spinach-cheese stuffing and lobster sauce, but instead of sole I want perch, and I want it pan-fried instead of baked, and instead of spinach and cheese I want rutabaga chutney, and instead of lobster, I want free-range mussels and instead of a circular plate I want an oval.


You ask the server to bring everything on the side. You want the salad dressing separate from the salad, the lemon separate from the iced tea, the spaghetti sauce separate from the spaghetti, and the ice separate from the ice water, in which you want the hydrogen molecules separate from the oxygen molecules.

Waiter’s Comment: Never mind the tip. Please just eat somewhere else. Thank you!

Excerpt from a book by written by humorist Dave Barry.

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