THE STORY OF SYLVIA, THE 3000-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

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We were very excited when we got word from an Israeli news source of a miraculous find made by archeologists during a routine expedition in an unexplored region of the Negev Desert. It was reported that they found an ancient woman named Sylvia, living in a small hut who claimed she was 3000 years old. We were lucky to book a flight and the next day we landed in Tel-Aviv and hurried to the site. We humbly asked Sylvia if she would grant us the honor and privilege to be the first to interview her, and she agreed! We were over the moon and want to share with you now part of our conversation with THE 3000-YEAR-OLD JEWISH WOMAN! 

Me: In a long lifetime, what was your greatest achievement?

SYLVIA: Not that I want praise, poo-poo, but to set the record straight…I invented the Jewish Star by drawing two triangles in the sand and then drawing them again, one over the other. In the early years, The Star of David was originally called the Star of Sylvia; even though you now call it the Star of David, it should be The Star of Sylvia!

Me: I know the world is fascinated by your longevity. To what do you attribute your phenomenal age?

SYLVIA: I am very health conscious. After I passed my 413th birthday, I figured…“did I need the crowds? The noise? People spitting on me when they talk?” And the cake, who needs it? You try blowing out all those candles. You could lose a lung, maybe two. So, I moved out here in the desert…to get away from people.

Me: And … you’re Jewish?

SYLVIA: Is the Pope Catholic?

Me: Over the years you’ve seen so many marvelous inventions, tell the world what in your opinion was the greatest invention?

SYLVIA: Deodorant! No question. Our original abode was crowded. Picture it. A hundred people running around wearing fur in 110 degrees heat sharing a small hut. You could plotz from the stink alone. Oh boy! Even Jezebel had a problem getting dates. So how could I have a chance? People were fainting right and left, it took Goldblatt , the Firemaker, to say, “Maybe we should build another two huts.” Great idea! The man was gifted!

Me: In 3000 years you must have had many careers. What were some of them?

SYLVIA: Mostly slavery. I lived with my parents until I was 526 years old. They tried to teach me to be a good balaboosta, but it never worked out. My matzo balls came out square, and a beauty I wasn’t. But I was one great cleaner. When the Colossus of Rhodes fell, who do you think cleaned up? Me, Sylvia, with a little help from Marvin, with whom I was keeping company.

Me: In those days, what games did you play?

SYLVIA: It’s hard to put it in words because nothing had names. Making names for stuff was a popular game. In fact, we loved it so much, that two cousins in our village Max Butensky and Irving Kantrowitz, thought: “Why don’t we make a regular contest to name “stuff.” Isaac Funk won. It was Isaac who, for example, named a Nookie a Nookie and a Schlong a Schlong he also named a cloud a cloud, a dog a dog. The whole village turned out after Shabbos to compete. Max and Irving got so rich with that lousy game, each had a roof that didn’t leak.

Me: Sylvia, tell us. How many times have you been married and who was your favorite hubby?

SYLVIA: All totaled, I had 97 husbands but my favorite was Sammie, If you must know, Sammie, was my 32nd. We had a nice wedding, officiated by rabbi Ginsberg, the most important rabbi in the desert. The funny thing was, of all my husbands, Sammie was a winner. I never before or since, met a man who could recite Torah, make the best brisket, and weave a curtain from twigs. Best of all, he always put the toilet seat down after peeing. Meanwhile, enough is enough already! Sitting out here in a hot sun talking to you I am getting liver spots. This interview is over!

Credit, source & inspiration for this article go to Marnie Winston-McCauley who writes for Aish. see Jewlarious