THE COMEDIANS

MY wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love…”Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won’t drink from my glass!

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I Went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me, “Not tonight.” She had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.