I HATE EVERYONE ~ by the late JOAN (“Potty Mouth”) RIVERS


I hate Chinese names because I can’t figure out which is the first name and which is the last name, and quite frankly, neither can the Chinese. Is it Dong Ding Ding or Ding Dong Ding or Ding Ding Dong… or are they all really just Avon ladies? I’m afraid to get Chinese names wrong because they’re a very proud people and instead of calling someone by their name I might accidentally be ordering sub gum duck. (And by “proud” I mean inherently angry and frequently armed with small explosives.)

I hate that there are 800 trillion people in Russia and they only have seven names to work with…Alexi, Sergei, Vladimir, Nicolai, Boris, Viktor and Mikhail. If you think I’m wrong try and name thirty Russians who are not named that. Yes, yes, every now and then you’ll find a Leonid or Ruslan, but those are novelty names; they’re the Lashonda and Laquisha of Russia. And by the way, I say “Russia,” not “the former Soviet Union.” Who am I, Tom fucking Brokaw?

Source: Page 173 from “I hate Everyone Starting With Me” by Joan Rivers. The book is peeing-in-your-pants funny. I laughed my way through it!

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