• The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
  • Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
  • Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
  • Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
  • People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
  • Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.
  • If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
  • The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  • To err is human, to forgive – highly unlikely.
  • After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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